7 things your adult children wish you’d stop doing—but don’t know how to say

It’s wild how the relationship dynamic changes once your kids grow up. One day, you’re helping them tie their shoelaces, and then—seemingly overnight—they’re handling taxes, relationships, and major life decisions on their own. 

You still love them and want the best for them, but it’s not always easy to figure out where you fit into the picture as a parent of fully grown adults.

I’ve been pretty lucky in this area – I’m still close to my parents and we enjoy one another’s company. Even so, I can’t say it’s always smooth sailing. Sometimes, there are certain concerns that can be difficult to voice out because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. 

And I know I’m not alone in that. A lot of adult children I’ve talked to—friends, cousins, even my own siblings—have said the same thing: We love our parents. We admire them. But we also struggle with how to set boundaries without sounding ungrateful. We hesitate to speak up, not because we don’t care, but because we do.

It’s hard to explain to someone who raised you that what used to feel helpful now sometimes feels a little invasive—or that your silence isn’t distance, it’s just space.

So, in the spirit of honesty (and hopefully bridging the gap), here are a few things many adult children wish they could say—but usually don’t.

1. Constantly giving unsolicited advice

Offering an opinion here and there can be helpful, but when you’re constantly doling out tips—even when it’s not requested—it starts to feel like you doubt your child’s capacity to figure things out. 

I remember my own mother suggesting how to arrange the furniture in my first apartment. While I appreciated her input, it also left me feeling as though she didn’t trust me to make my own choices.

Adult children want to be seen as competent. They’ve lived enough life to know what works for them, and they’re open to learning from mistakes on their own terms. 

Let them bring the questions to you instead of preempting their every decision with advice. It shows respect for their independence, and it saves you from coming across as overly controlling.

2. Pressuring them to follow your timeline

It can be hard when the people we love don’t seem to be “on schedule.” I get that. 

You might be wondering when we’ll finally settle down, buy a house, have kids, change careers, or just “figure it out.” 

And when you bring it up—whether through a casual comment or a not-so-subtle suggestion—it can feel like you’re watching a clock we never set for ourselves.

We know you want us to be stable and secure. We want that too. But life looks different now than it did when you were our age. 

Timelines have shifted. Priorities have shifted. And for many of us, figuring out what feels right takes time—especially when we’re doing it in a world that moves fast and rarely makes space for nuance.

What we really need is your patience. Your trust that we’ll get where we’re going, even if we take a few detours along the way. 

When you let us move at our own pace, it doesn’t mean you’re letting go—it means you’re walking beside us, not dragging us forward. And that kind of support is something we never outgrow.

3. Overstepping boundaries when it comes to personal matters

I once had a friend who experienced a strange moment: she woke up to find her mom in her apartment, rearranging her closet. She’d used the spare key she gave her for emergencies—and while she meant well, my friend felt incredibly violated. 

Adult children need to know that their parents respect their personal space, both physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, overstepping boundaries is less dramatic: maybe you press for details about their love life, rummage through their mail while visiting, or initiate group texts asking about sensitive topics. 

According to Psych Central, healthy boundaries are key in maintaining balanced relationships across all stages of life. Respect for our space and personal process fosters mutual respect. 

It reminds us that you see us as a grown individual, not a perpetual kid who needs surveillance.

4. Bringing up past mistakes as a form of motivation

I know it usually comes from a good place. You want to help us avoid pain, make smarter choices, or push us to do better. 

But when you bring up the things we’ve done wrong—especially the ones we’ve already owned or outgrown—it doesn’t feel like encouragement. It feels like being dragged backward.

Trust me, we remember the mistakes. We’ve probably stayed up late thinking about them longer than you know. And when they’re brought up again and again, even as a “teachable moment,” it makes it harder for us to believe that you see who we are now—not just who we were at our worst.

What helps more than a reminder of our failures? A vote of confidence in who we’re becoming. Growth sticks when it’s supported by belief, not guilt. And sometimes, silence about the past speaks volumes about your trust in our future.

5. Making them feel guilty about how often they stay in touch

As a parent, it’s natural to miss your kids when they’re not around. But bringing up how “they never call” or “always have time for their friends” can lead to guilt more than genuine connection. 

I’ve noticed in my own extended family that a little guilt trip here, a dash of passive-aggressive comment there, can quickly sour what should be a pleasant catch-up.

Your adult children are juggling hectic schedules: new jobs, relationships, or even kids of their own. Even if they’re single and child-free, modern life is stuffed with responsibilities and digital distractions. 

Instead of framing their lack of contact as a personal slight, consider scheduling a regular call or video chat. Set up an expectation that works for both parties—maybe once a week, or every other Sunday. 

This kind of cooperative planning encourages consistent communication without piling on the shame.

6. Expecting them to adopt your exact worldview

This is a tough one—because we know how much your values have shaped your life. We know you’ve lived through things we haven’t, and we respect that. 

But sometimes, it feels like there’s only one “right” way to see the world in your eyes—and it’s yours.

Whether it’s about politics, parenting, religion, work ethic, or relationships, it can be hard when every disagreement turns into a lecture or a debate. It doesn’t feel like a conversation—it feels like we’re being corrected.

The truth is, we’re not rejecting your worldview when we see things differently. We’re just trying to build our own. That’s part of becoming our own person. 

What we want more than agreement is mutual respect. We want to be able to talk openly without worrying that a difference of opinion means disappointment.

Even if we land in different places, knowing that you’re willing to listen without judgment goes a long way. It makes space for real connection—without either of us having to give up who we are.

7. Comparing them (even subtly) to siblings or peers

Of all the things that sting, even when they’re said gently, this one lands the hardest.

When you compare us to a sibling, cousin, or friend—even if it’s subtle or unintentional—it plants this quiet question in our minds: Am I not measuring up?

You might think you’re being helpful by pointing out how “your brother always remembers to call” or how “Lisa’s daughter just bought her a house.” 

But those comments, even said offhandedly, can feel like a spotlight on our shortcomings. And they usually don’t inspire us to do better—they just make us feel like we’re falling short in your eyes.

Most of us are already comparing ourselves to everyone else. What we really want from our parents is to feel accepted exactly where we are. 

When you celebrate our path—even if it looks different than someone else’s—it reminds us we’re still valued, still loved, and still enough.

Moving forward

Raising children into independent adults is a remarkable feat, and it’s only natural to want to stay connected and influential in their lives. Yet, it’s easy to slip into old habits: unsolicited advice, overshadowing boundaries, or pressuring them to meet certain milestones. 

These well-meant impulses can actually create distance, making your grown kids feel more like rebellious teens all over again.

If you recognize yourself in any of the points above, don’t panic. Healthy relationships are about growth, and it’s never too late to show you respect your adult children’s autonomy. 

Start small. Instead of giving advice, wait for them to ask. Instead of highlighting their mistakes, acknowledge how far they’ve come. 

With a bit of empathy and a willingness to adapt, you can nurture a loving, respectful dynamic that allows everyone to flourish—together and independently.