People with high emotional intelligence tend to avoid these 7 behaviors — no matter how upset they are

Have you ever caught yourself texting out an angry reply, only to delete it at the last second? Or maybe you’ve had a heated conversation with someone, and right afterward, you realized your reaction was a bit over the top?

Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s part of being human — emotions flare, and we say or do things we later regret.

But people with high emotional intelligence do something different: they manage those impulses before damage is done. They’re not perfect saints who never feel angry or upset; they just know how to keep those feelings from taking the wheel.

Let’s look at seven behaviors high-EQ folks simply don’t engage in, even when their emotions threaten to boil over.

1. They don’t explode in anger

I used to believe that letting off steam by raising my voice (or punching a pillow) would make me feel better. But I noticed that venting in anger often just kept the frustration alive.

High emotional intelligence individuals don’t do the full-blown “anger volcano” routine. They step back, take a deep breath, and try to understand the situation before reacting.

This is backed by experts like Daniel Goleman, who basically wrote the book on emotional intelligence. He’s pointed out that pausing and labeling the emotion (“I’m feeling angry right now”) can help diffuse that intense surge of energy.

For me, it’s made a huge difference to mentally say, “I’m upset, but let’s think this through,” instead of automatically firing back with a harsh remark or an angry email. A second or two of self-awareness can save a relationship, a deal, or a reputation.

2. They don’t play the blame game

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to point fingers at someone else when something goes wrong? I’ve had my fair share of “It’s all their fault” moments.

But high emotional intelligence people don’t default to blaming external factors or other people. Instead, they try to figure out if there’s something they could have done differently. By taking ownership — at least for their part in a conflict or misunderstanding — they maintain control over their emotional landscape.

There’s an idea known as having an “internal locus of control,” which psychologists often discuss. It basically means you believe you have some influence over outcomes in your life.

I’ve mentioned this before in another post, but it’s worth repeating: owning your mistakes is a sign of emotional maturity. Rather than bashing the world or your colleagues, you look at how you can improve.

The next time you feel that urge to say, “They made me do it,” try to notice what you could’ve done differently. This shift from blaming others to taking responsibility is a hallmark of those who keep their cool under pressure.

3. They don’t give the silent treatment

One of the biggest relationship-busters, whether in business, friendship, or romance, is the silent treatment. It’s tempting to “punish” someone by withdrawing, but it rarely solves anything and often intensifies tension.

High-EQ folks dislike emotional stand-offs. Even if they need some space to think, they communicate that: “I need a bit of time to calm down, then we can talk.”

I once had a boss who would go radio-silent every time something stressful happened at work. It created a cold environment where everyone was guessing what was going on. Eventually, projects stalled, and the entire team felt paralyzed. Not fun.

According to a study, prolonged silence or stonewalling can escalate conflict, increase stress, and damage emotional well-being.

High emotional intelligence people realize it’s better to pause if necessary but follow up with honest conversation when calmer heads can prevail.

4. They don’t belittle others or themselves

Words can hurt — especially when they’re used to put someone down. And guess what? Self-talk counts, too. While it might be momentarily satisfying to call someone else names or beat yourself up, it’s not productive in the long run.

High-EQ people avoid belittling statements because these jabs rarely address the real problem. They’d rather focus on the behavior or situation than on attacking someone’s character (or their own).

Simon Sinek once said, “Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.” That really hit home for me.

If I’m frustrated that someone on my team messed up a task, calling them “lazy” or “useless” doesn’t exactly motivate them to do better next time. It only breeds resentment or self-doubt. And if it’s me making the mistake, harsh self-criticism won’t lead to growth — it just traps me in negativity.

So if you’re ever about to fire off that insulting remark, consider asking yourself, “Is this helpful?” Chances are it’s not.

5. They don’t let one bad moment define the bigger picture

I’ll admit, I’ve had days where one argument or one nasty email ruined my entire mood. I’d spiral into negativity, convincing myself that everything was going downhill. But here’s the deal: a high-EQ person recognizes that a bad moment is just that — a moment.

They don’t paint their whole day (or week) with the brush of one bad experience. This resilience helps them bounce back faster, and it’s something I’ve actively worked on cultivating.

James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, often emphasizes focusing on small wins and consistent progress. If you zoom out and look at the larger trajectory, you’ll notice that one slip-up or painful conversation doesn’t undo all the good you’ve built over time.

High emotional intelligence individuals give themselves (and others) the grace to stumble. They refuse to let a single misstep overshadow all the good that came before it.

6. They don’t feed passive-aggressive drama

We’ve all seen passive aggression in action — the sarcastic comments, the backhanded compliments, the pointed sighs. It might offer a quick release of frustration, but it’s definitely not the hallmark of emotional intelligence.

High-EQ people avoid fueling passive-aggressive fires because it undermines trust and clarity. They prefer direct but respectful communication.

I’ve learned that if something’s bugging me, the best approach is often to address it head-on (kindly) rather than dropping vague hints. Not exactly easy, but it sure beats letting resentment fester until it explodes.

According to a Psychology Today article by Dr. Leon Seltzer, passive aggression often arises from anger that people feel uncomfortable expressing. But that simmering tension can be far more destructive than an honest, if slightly uncomfortable, conversation.

So if you sense yourself sliding into silent digs or sarcastic barbs, ask, “What am I really upset about?” Then tackle that issue directly instead of creating a puzzle for others to solve.

7. They don’t dwell on grudges

Grudges are like emotional baggage that slows you down. High emotional intelligence people understand the weight of unresolved anger and strive to move forward.

Now, that doesn’t mean they act like nothing happened or gloss over serious issues. It means they do the work to resolve conflicts, or at least make peace with them internally.

Whether it’s in personal relationships or professional settings, carrying long-term resentment is emotionally exhausting and counterproductive.

I once read a quote from Nelson Mandela (not in the personal development authors I usually reference, but it’s a powerful one nonetheless): “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

It perfectly sums up how pointless grudges can be. Letting go frees you from being stuck in the past and allows you to put your energy into what matters now.

I’ve found that practicing forgiveness, whether toward someone else or myself, can be a game-changer in both business and personal life. You don’t have to condone bad behavior, but releasing your hold on the anger can open the door to better decisions and healthier relationships.

Wrapping things up, but it’s still a big deal…

Emotional intelligence isn’t about ignoring your emotions or pretending they don’t exist. It’s about learning to handle them in a balanced and intentional way.

Anger, frustration, disappointment — they’re all normal feelings. What sets high-EQ folks apart is how they process and respond to these emotions.

They don’t lash out impulsively, shift blame, serve up the silent treatment, tear people down, allow a single negative moment to hijack their outlook, tiptoe around issues with passive aggression, or nurse grudges. It’s not that they never feel the urge — they just know these behaviors rarely lead anywhere productive.

The good news? Emotional intelligence is a skill you can nurture. It takes practice, self-awareness, and sometimes a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about your habits.

But the payoff is immense: healthier relationships, fewer regrets, and a calmer mindset in moments when the pressure is on.

I’ve seen how this can improve teamwork, boost morale, and help me navigate sticky situations more effectively — whether I’m negotiating a new contract or just trying to keep things cool in a family disagreement. It’s a lifelong journey, one fueled by curiosity and self-reflection rather than perfection.

Until next time, friends.