Sometimes, we don’t realize just how much our parents’ words and actions still affect us, even when we’ve been “grown-ups” for years. I’ve talked to many friends who feel burnt out after family gatherings but struggle to put their finger on what, exactly, went wrong.
It’s a classic scenario: you pack up your things, head home after a supposedly lovely dinner with your folks, and feel completely spent.
No parent sets out to leave their adult children feeling emotionally drained, but it happens—often in subtle ways that are rarely talked about openly. Here are seven behaviors that can take a surprising toll on our well-being.
1. They constantly offer unsolicited advice
Picture this: you’re sharing a small career hiccup—maybe a disagreement with a colleague or the stress of launching a new project. The next thing you know, you’re being bombarded with advice you didn’t ask for. Sound familiar?
Parents naturally want to help, and offering advice is how they often show it. But as adults, sometimes we just need empathy, not a solution. When your parents immediately jump in with directives, it can feel like your own judgment is being questioned.
Over time, this can chip away at your confidence and make you think twice before opening up to them about anything that matters.
A quick anecdote: My friend Lily once told me that she dreaded sharing any personal news with her mom because she knew it would trigger a stream of corrections and opinions. Over the years, that took a toll on Lily’s self-trust and made her resent the very act of communicating with her mother.
2. They ignore or invalidate emotions
Few things cut deeper than having our genuine feelings brushed aside with remarks like, “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not that big of a deal.”
Often, parents think they’re helping by minimizing problems—trying to keep you from worrying or sulking. Yet in reality, it can feel dismissive and belittling, especially when your concerns are valid.
This is something I’ve mentioned in a previous post but it’s worth revisiting: acknowledgment goes a long way. According to research published by the American Psychological Association, feeling heard and validated can significantly reduce stress and anxiety.
The reverse is also true. The more our emotions are denied, the more isolated and emotionally drained we become.
You might catch yourself withdrawing from your parents over time, even if you can’t articulate why. Often, it boils down to a lack of emotional support and understanding.
3. They guilt-trip or play the martyr
I’m sure you’ve come across a situation like this: You have other plans for the weekend, so you tell your folks you can’t make the family dinner. Before you know it, you’re listening to a passive-aggressive comment like, “Well, your father and I will just eat alone then,” or “I guess we’re not that important anymore.”
In those moments, the weight of guilt can be overwhelming. What’s supposed to be a simple adult choice—perhaps prioritizing time with friends, your partner, or even just a mental health break—gets tangled up in emotional manipulation.
Over time, constant guilt-tripping can lead to resentment and leave you feeling like your own needs and desires must always come second.
As Brene Brown has said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” You’re allowed to have your boundaries without apologizing for them.
4. They compare you to others (or to a younger version of yourself)
Ever had your parent say something like, “When your cousin was your age, she already owned a house,” or “Back in your day, you used to be so driven—what happened?” These comparisons can be deeply draining. Rather than celebrating your progress and individuality, your parents are shining a spotlight on what you allegedly “lack.”
We all know that comparison is a surefire route to self-doubt. Warren Buffett once noted, “You only have to do a few things right in your life so long as you don’t do too many things wrong.”
That perspective is a welcome reminder that each journey is unique. Nobody wins when we measure our worth with someone else’s ruler—or with an outdated version of our own past.
When you feel like you can’t measure up—no matter what you do—it’s only natural to become emotionally fatigued.
5. They bring old conflicts to the table
Have you ever been enjoying a perfectly fine conversation until one little thing triggers your parent to revisit a “greatest hits” collection of old arguments? Suddenly, you’re rehashing that time you missed curfew in high school or the argument you had about your college major ten years ago.
This constant replay of past mistakes can make you feel like you’re stuck in a time warp, unable to move beyond old missteps. It’s mentally exhausting to deal with these old conflicts resurrected out of nowhere.
As a grown adult with your own life and responsibilities, the last thing you need is a reminder of problems that happened ages ago. Dragging the past into every present conversation can keep you in a cycle of tension—and it’s a big reason many adult kids feel drained after a family meetup.
6. They expect too much (or too little) without clear communication
Sometimes our parents have unspoken expectations that we can’t possibly meet—or conversely, they treat us like we’re incapable of handling anything on our own. Both extremes can leave you emotionally fried.
On one end, you might have parents who assume you’ll drop everything for them at the drop of a hat—whether it’s to fix the Wi-Fi, offer financial advice, or run errands. On the other end, you might have parents who question every adult decision you make, implying you’re still a “kid.”
In either scenario, you’re carrying an emotional load. You’re trying to navigate your parents’ silent demands or doubts, all while juggling your own work, relationships, and mental health.
Clear communication is key. Psychologists have often pointed out that unmet or poorly communicated expectations can lead to frustration and stress in any relationship.
For adult kids, constantly guessing what your parents need—or trying to prove you can handle life—can be exhausting. There’s no shame in gently confronting these expectations, whether it’s asking for more independence or clarifying your willingness to help.
7. They dismiss your life choices or big decisions
Ever get the sense that no matter how proud you are of what you’ve accomplished, your parents have a knack for zeroing in on what you didn’t do?
Maybe you’re thrilled about starting a business, but your folks can’t get past the fact that you didn’t take that “secure” corporate job. Or you chose to remain child-free, and they keep dropping not-so-subtle hints about wanting grandkids.
These dismissals can be crushing. When you’ve invested time, energy, and passion into a decision—like which industry to work in or where to live—it’s painful to hear your parents shrug off your choices as though they’re naive or invalid.
According to a study, adult children who feel supported in their major life decisions report higher levels of well-being and lower levels of stress. The flip side is that a lack of support can create lingering emotional strain.
As Winston Churchill once said, “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” Adults need the freedom to follow their own paths—yes, even if that means they stumble.
Constant disapproval from the people who raised you can leave you second-guessing your steps, draining you of the enthusiasm Churchill championed.
Final words
If you’ve ever found yourself emotionally drained but couldn’t quite pinpoint why, consider the relationship with your parents. The seven behaviors above, even in small doses, can accumulate into a hefty emotional burden.
Remember that setting boundaries, seeking open communication, and prioritizing your mental health aren’t selfish moves. They’re essential steps to ensure you can show up for your own life in the best way possible—both personally and professionally.
Everyone’s relationship with their parents is different. But if you recognize some of these patterns, it might be time for a heartfelt dialogue or even a few sessions of family therapy.
Life’s too short to spend it feeling constantly drained by the people we love. And often, tackling these issues head-on is the best way to restore balance—and keep everyone, parents included, happier in the long run.
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