10 habits people mistake for rudeness — but are actually signs of deep anxiety

I’ve always believed that human behavior is an intricate puzzle.

We see how people carry themselves in public, hear how they respond to messages, and notice how quickly they exit a conversation. Often, we assume they’re aloof or irritated.

But in many cases, what looks like standoffishness is actually discomfort rooted in deep anxiety. It took me years to figure this out—both from my own life and from observing others who, like me, sometimes come across as cold or unfriendly when we’re really just nervous.

Anxiety can manifest in ways that easily get labeled as “rude” because these habits usually involve creating distance or minimizing social interaction.

Unfortunately, this creates a cycle: the more a person with anxiety feels misunderstood, the more anxious they become.

By recognizing the subtle behaviors that may actually be stress signals, we can be more patient and empathetic, both with ourselves and with others.

Below are ten habits that are commonly misread, yet often indicate someone is feeling far more anxious than they care to admit.

1. Avoiding eye contact

This is probably the classic behavior that gets mistaken for arrogance or dismissiveness.

You’re in a conversation and the other person refuses to meet your gaze.

It might feel like they’re bored or unimpressed, but the truth could be that they’re flooded with anxious thoughts.

I remember a time in my early twenties when I worked in a bustling digital agency. I hated the feeling of being “seen,” and even though I appeared confident, I’d often check my phone or look at my desk to avoid meeting my coworkers’ eyes.

People thought I wasn’t interested in what they were saying. In reality, my heart was pounding, and I was worried I’d say or do something awkward.

According to NIMH, social anxiety can create an overwhelming urge to limit visual contact as a defense mechanism. It doesn’t mean someone is haughty or lacking manners.

2. Giving one-word replies

We’ve all known someone who’s very short in their responses—maybe they just say “Yes,” “No,” or “Fine.”

This can feel curt or abrupt, like they’re shutting down the conversation. But for someone struggling with anxiety, short answers might be the only thing they can handle at that moment.

When my mind is racing or I’m worried about something bigger—like an upcoming deadline or a personal issue—my brain goes into a kind of survival mode.

I don’t have the bandwidth to form long, articulate responses. This might sound rude to the other person, but it’s typically a reflection of mental overload.

If you notice someone who’s usually sociable giving one-word replies, it might be that they’re in an anxious headspace rather than simply being rude.

3. Canceling plans at the last minute

Few things get under our skin more than people who back out of plans just when we’re ready to go.

It can feel like they don’t value our time or don’t enjoy our company. But sometimes, the thought of attending a gathering can be paralyzing for someone dealing with social anxiety.

In the lead-up, they might be excited and promise they’ll be there. Then, when the day arrives, the anxiety kicks in.

I’ve been there: I’ve planned a big dinner with friends and felt enthusiastic at first, only to find myself frantically texting them a last-minute excuse.

I’d worry about what to wear, how to keep up conversations, and whether I’d seem awkward.

Last-minute cancellations can be a major indicator of social anxiety rather than a sign of someone being disrespectful.

4. Dodging small talk

We sometimes label people “antisocial” if they appear uninterested in small talk. But often, small talk is uncomfortable for those who overthink every word.

I used to think I was simply “bad at small talk,” but in reality, I was anxious about saying something silly or out of place.

For a socially anxious person, short conversations can feel forced and shallow, triggering self-consciousness rather than genuine connection. They might prefer deeper chats or no conversation at all, which can make them seem standoffish.

But before jumping to conclusions, consider that they may be trying to protect themselves from feeling judged or embarrassed.

5. Rushing through interactions

Have you ever approached someone, and they seemed to want to conclude the interaction as quickly as possible?

Maybe they look at their watch repeatedly or keep half an eye on the exit. That’s often interpreted as them being uninterested, but it could be that they’re fighting waves of nervousness.

One of my relatives does this at family gatherings. She’ll zip around the room, offering quick greetings and then hurrying off somewhere else.

It’s easy to assume she doesn’t like chatting or that she’s just plain rude. But when I finally asked her about it, she admitted she gets extremely anxious in big groups and tries to minimize her discomfort by limiting how long she stays in one place.

Once I understood that, her behavior made more sense, and I felt more empathy for her instead of annoyance.

6. Seeming distracted during conversations

Zoning out or appearing lost in thought during a conversation can definitely come across as rude.

The person speaking might feel like you’re not listening or don’t care. But for someone battling anxiety, their mind can be consumed by a dozen other worries.

They might be replaying an earlier conversation or panicking about an upcoming project, making it hard to focus on the present moment.

When I’m anxious, it’s like having countless browser tabs open in my mind, all competing for my attention.

One minute I’m nodding along, and the next I realize I’ve missed half of what the other person said because I’m stuck in my own anxious loop.

If you notice someone frequently drifting off, consider that they might be preoccupied with spiraling thoughts rather than deliberately ignoring you.

7. Not smiling or laughing along

We often think that someone who never cracks a smile is rude or uninterested. But anxiety can cause a disconnect between how someone wants to react and how they actually do.

In a group setting, an anxious person could be struggling with negative self-talk, worried that they’re going to say something wrong.

They might be so consumed with their internal battle that there’s no mental space left to crack a joke or flash a grin.

I remember attending a workshop led by a brilliant speaker who cracked jokes left and right. Everyone else was giggling, but one participant sat stone-faced.

The speaker tried to engage her, thinking she was bored or unimpressed. Later, I learned she was terrified of public environments and was using all her energy just to remain seated and not bolt for the door.

Her apparent lack of expression wasn’t about rudeness; it was about hanging on for dear life through her anxiety.

8. Fidgeting or restlessness

Some people pace around, tap their feet, click pens, or shift in their seats constantly.

This can feel disruptive or impolite, especially in quiet settings like an office meeting. But fidgeting is a way for anxious individuals to channel their nervous energy.

According to psychologists, repetitive motions can be a coping mechanism, providing a small outlet for anxiety.

I’ve caught myself clicking a pen or playing with my wedding ring during tense business negotiations. It’s not that I’m trying to distract others; it’s my body’s way of trying to expel the excess energy my anxiety creates.

Instead of viewing it as disrespectful, consider it a sign that someone’s nerves are in overdrive.

9. Being late to respond to messages

In our hyper-connected world, delayed replies to emails or texts can be construed as dismissive or rude.

But for people with anxiety, the act of crafting a response can feel daunting. They might type out a draft, delete it, rewrite it, and still feel unsure.

This leads to procrastination or complete avoidance until they feel calm enough to address it.

I’ve had times when I received a message that felt intense—maybe it was a work request or a personal conversation that required a thoughtful reply.

Instead of writing back immediately, I’ve waited days, replaying various “perfect” responses in my head. I lost count of how many times friends or colleagues assumed I was giving them the cold shoulder, when in fact I was just consumed by overthinking the right words to use.

10. Averting invitations or going quiet in groups

Whether it’s virtual group chats or in-person gatherings, some individuals go suspiciously silent.

They don’t chime in, or they leave messages unread.

In group scenarios, they might slip to the back of the room or find ways to wander off. This behavior can be interpreted as disinterest, but anxiety could be the driving force.

In group contexts, anxious people often worry about how they’re coming across to multiple individuals at once. The fear of messing up in front of many eyes amplifies their discomfort.

Personally, I’ve found huge group chats overwhelming. I worry about being judged for a casual comment or overshadowed by more confident personalities.

As a result, I sometimes fade into the background. It isn’t an attempt to ignore others; it’s a protective measure to reduce the chances of embarrassment or scrutiny.

Wrapping up

When we take a moment to see past the surface, we realize that certain behaviors aren’t always evidence of rudeness or disregard.

Often, they are the coping mechanisms of a mind wrestling with anxious thoughts. By viewing these signals with empathy, we stand a better chance of offering understanding and support rather than quick judgment.

If you relate to these habits, remember you’re not alone and there are ways to cope—like seeking therapy, practicing mindfulness, or sharing your feelings with someone you trust.

If you notice these signs in others, the best gift you can offer is patience. A few kind words, a gentle smile, or simply allowing them to navigate social situations at their own pace can go a long way.

We can’t always see what’s happening under the surface, but a little compassion can bridge the gap between misunderstanding and genuine connection.