Most of us have felt a little uneasy making eye contact now and then—maybe during a tense conversation with a boss or an awkward first date.
But for some people, that discomfort goes beyond occasional jitters.
Of course, certain neurodivergent conditions (like autism) can include an aversion to direct eye contact, but today I want to highlight other possible reasons for this unease—reasons tied to the environment and influences we grew up with.
I’ve seen this firsthand in a close relative of mine. She’s warm, funny, and incredibly knowledgeable, yet she often glances away mid-conversation or lowers her gaze.
That got me thinking: what early life experiences shape our comfort levels around something as simple—and as intimate—as meeting another person’s eyes?
1. Growing up with constant criticism
One childhood experience that contributes to discomfort with eye contact is growing up in an environment where there’s relentless nitpicking.
As a kid, you might have felt like nothing you did was quite right, whether it was the way you spoke, the grades you brought home, or even your posture at the dinner table.
I’ve had a friend who recounted how her parents would dissect everything she did, from the way she placed her fork to the tone of her voice.
Over time, she learned to associate adult faces (and especially adult eyes) with some form of judgment or disapproval.
It’s hardly surprising that she still avoids direct gaze—on a subconscious level, it feels like self-protection against more criticism.
According to child development experts, children who experience this sort of environment often grow up to be anxious and overly self-conscious in social settings.
Eye contact, which forces a sense of mutual awareness, can trigger anxiety rooted in those early memories of not being “good enough.”
Overcoming this challenge often involves learning how to reframe one’s self-image and recognize that not everyone is out to criticize or judge.
2. Living with overly strict authority figures
Another root cause might be growing up in a household with very rigid or strict authority figures—whether that’s parents, grandparents, or guardians.
If adults in your early life believed that “children should be seen and not heard,” you might have spent years trying to blend into the background.
Some families even discourage direct eye contact with elders, seeing it as a sign of disrespect or defiance.
This learned behavior can stay with you, especially in situations where you sense any power dynamic—like with a boss, mentor, or older relative.
Unraveling these deeply ingrained habits requires recognizing that in most everyday interactions, direct eye contact isn’t an act of rebellion; it’s a normal, healthy part of communication.
3. Experiencing bullying or social exclusion
Bullying leaves deep emotional scars that often manifest in subtle ways, including hesitancy to meet another person’s eyes.
When a child is ridiculed or isolated at school, they learn to shrink themselves to avoid becoming an easy target.
Sadly, that can turn into a lifelong pattern of ducking out of direct gaze so as not to draw attention.
I remember my own rough patch in middle school—fortunately, it didn’t last long, but I can still vividly recall the instinct to look away whenever I passed the group of kids who teased me.
It was a coping mechanism; eye contact felt too vulnerable.
Over time, individuals who faced chronic bullying may carry forward that sense of vulnerability into adulthood.
The idea of locking eyes with a stranger or coworker can spark the old fear of judgment, prompting them to look away before the other person even has a chance to connect.
On the bright side, therapeutic approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) often help replace these old fears with healthier social responses.
4. Living in a home with unresolved tension
Some families have a habit of brushing arguments under the rug, never addressing conflicts head-on.
Constant tension—like parents silently seething at each other, or siblings giving each other the cold shoulder—can also breed an atmosphere where open communication feels dangerous.
When I was younger, I recall visiting a friend’s house where the parents rarely spoke to each other, even though you could sense a thick layer of resentment floating around.
My friend told me that as a child, she learned to tiptoe around that atmosphere. Making eye contact in tense moments felt like it could spark an explosion.
If you grew up in a home like that, you might have unconsciously decided that avoiding eye contact was the safest route.
Even now, conflict or negative emotions can trigger your childhood instinct to withdraw.
5. Being told to “tone it down” or not show strong emotions
Some kids are naturally exuberant. They’ll chat with anyone, make bold eye contact, and freely express every bit of excitement or curiosity.
Yet if their caregivers repeatedly tell them to “tone it down” or label them as “too much,” they start dialing back those natural behaviors.
Strong, direct eye contact often conveys confidence and openness. If you grew up being told to subdue those traits, you may have learned to avert your gaze as a means of appearing “acceptable.”
Reclaiming that spark as an adult can be a healing process—one that lets you express your full personality without fear of scolding or disapproval.
6. Witnessing or experiencing trauma
Trauma can come in many forms—emotional, physical, or even witnessing deeply upsetting events.
In some cases, this can lead to a sense of hypervigilance, where you’re always on guard.
Oddly enough, trauma can manifest in seemingly opposite ways: either staring people down, ready for danger, or avoiding eye contact altogether to remain invisible.
If the trauma involved someone in a position of power, that association with a dominant gaze can linger for years.
Breaking the link between past traumatic experiences and present-day interactions typically involves professional guidance.
That might include therapy, support groups, or a gradual process of rebuilding trust in everyday social settings.
Eye contact becomes less threatening once you realize you’re no longer in the dangerous environment that shaped your reactions.
7. Feeling overshadowed by siblings or peers
Finally, people who grew up in the shadow of a more outgoing sibling—or a close friend who always commanded the spotlight—might develop a habit of taking a back seat.
If someone else was the star athlete, the class president, or the family’s pride and joy, it’s easy to slip into a quieter role. Averting your eyes can then become part of that quieter persona.
One of my old classmates had a twin sister who excelled at nearly everything—sports, drama club, music recitals, you name it.
While he was proud of her, he also felt overshadowed and ended up shyly ducking out of conversations. Part of it was the belief that whatever he had to say, someone else could say better.
As an adult, he realized this behavior wasn’t serving him well in relationships or at work. Overcoming it meant recognizing his own worth and stepping into the spotlight, even if it felt nerve-wracking at first.
If you relate, consider how acknowledging your unique value might help you meet someone’s eyes with a newfound confidence.
Wrapping up
Eye contact is such a natural part of human interaction that many of us don’t even stop to think about why it’s hard.
But for those who do struggle, it often traces back to patterns picked up in childhood—patterns that can be unlearned or reshaped with patience and self-compassion.
If any of these early life experiences feel familiar, you’re not alone. Plenty of people manage to break through those old barriers, whether through therapy, mindfulness exercises, or simply having open conversations with trusted friends.
The key is being kind to yourself as you explore where that discomfort stems from and how you might rewrite the script.
So, here’s to moving forward one step at a time. Your gaze has the power to convey warmth, confidence, and authenticity—whenever you’re ready to meet someone’s eyes and let it shine through.
Feeling stuck in self-doubt?
Stop trying to fix yourself and start embracing who you are. Join the free 7-day self-discovery challenge and learn how to transform negative emotions into personal growth.
