There’s a fine line between self-discipline and shame.
At first glance, they may seem like two sides of the same coin, pushing us to better ourselves.
But dig a little deeper, and you’ll find that they stem from vastly different motivations.
Self-discipline is about setting goals and working towards them out of a genuine desire to improve.
Shame, however, is about trying to change ourselves because we don’t believe we’re good enough as we are.
It’s easy to confuse the two, especially when habits that appear to be driven by discipline can actually be rooted in shame.
In this article, we’ll explore seven such habits.
These are actions that might look like self-improvement on the surface, but underneath, they’re fueled by feelings of inadequacy and self-rejection.
Learning to spot these habits is crucial for any entrepreneur.
After all, building a resilient business starts with building a resilient self—one that’s motivated by positive growth, not by fear of not measuring up. Let’s delve in.
1) Perfectionism
We often view perfectionism as a badge of honor, a sign of high standards and dedication. It might seem like the ultimate display of self-discipline.
In reality, however, perfectionism is often rooted in feelings of shame and inadequacy.
It’s not about striving for excellence because we’re motivated by the joy of achievement. Rather, it’s about trying to prove our worthiness to ourselves and others.
The perfectionist mindset tells us that we’re only as good as our last accomplishment.
In that sense, it’s not about self-improvement or growth but about fear—fear of not being good enough, fear of judgment, and ultimately, fear of rejection.
For entrepreneurs, this can be an especially harmful trap. The nature of running a business is fraught with mistakes and failures.
Embracing these as learning opportunities rather than viewing them as a reflection of your worth is not only healthier but also crucial for long-term success.
Next time you find yourself striving for flawlessness in every task, ask yourself: am I doing this out of genuine desire for growth or because I’m afraid of not being enough?
2) Overworking
I’ve always been a hard worker. In fact, people often praised me for my work ethic.
Staying late, skipping breaks, always being available – these were all signs of my self-discipline, or so I thought.
But over time, I realized that my constant drive to work was not about discipline at all. In fact, it was driven by shame.
I felt that if I wasn’t working all the time, then I wasn’t valuable or successful.
My self-worth became tied to my productivity. And when I wasn’t working, I felt guilty and anxious.
This is a common trap many of us fall into, especially in the entrepreneurial world where hustle culture is often glorified.
But here’s the thing – working excessively doesn’t make us more productive or successful.
It can lead to burnout, negatively affecting our health and well-being.
Learning to set boundaries and prioritize rest was a game-changer for me. Now, I work smarter, not harder.
And most importantly, I’ve learned to separate my self-worth from my productivity.
You are more than what you produce. Your value is inherent and not tied to your work output.
It’s a lesson I wish I learned earlier, but it’s never too late to start.
3) Constant comparing
We’ve all fallen into the comparison trap at some point. With social media at our fingertips, it’s easier than ever to compare our lives, success, and achievements to others.
This practice might seem like a form of motivation, pushing us to match or exceed the accomplishments of those around us.
People who compare themselves to others experience feelings of envy, low self-confidence, and depression more frequently.
That’s hardly the recipe for self-improvement we might imagine it to be.
In reality, constant comparing is often an expression of shame.
It comes from a place of feeling less than and believing we need to do more, be more, or achieve more to be worthy.
As entrepreneurs, it’s crucial to remember that everyone’s journey is unique. Success isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept.
Our focus should be on our own growth, learning, and progress rather than how we stack up against others.
4) Neglecting self-care
In the quest for success, it’s easy to prioritize work and responsibilities over self-care.
Skipping meals, missing out on sleep, or ignoring our mental health may seem like sacrifices we need to make to reach our goals faster.
However, this habit is often rooted in shame.
We may feel that we don’t deserve to take care of ourselves until we’ve achieved certain milestones, or we might fear that taking time for self-care means we’re not working hard enough.
Neglecting self-care can lead to a decrease in productivity and an increase in stress levels.
Taking care of our physical and mental health is essential for sustained performance and success.
As entrepreneurs, it’s crucial to incorporate self-care into our daily routines. It’s not a luxury, but a necessity.
You can’t pour from an empty cup; taking care of yourself allows you to take better care of your business.
5) Fear of delegation
There was a time when I believed that if I wanted something done right, I had to do it myself.
This meant taking on more tasks than I could handle, leading to long hours and inevitable burnout.
This habit might seem like self-discipline or dedication at first glance. After all, taking responsibility is commendable, right?
But deeper down, this fear of delegation was actually rooted in shame.
I was afraid that if I didn’t do everything myself, it would be seen as a sign of weakness or incompetence. I believed that delegating tasks meant I wasn’t capable enough to handle them.
But here’s what I’ve learned: delegating isn’t about offloading work because you can’t handle it.
It’s about making the most of your team’s skills and strengths to achieve the best results. It’s about leadership.
Letting go of the need to control everything has been a challenging but rewarding journey.
Today, I’m not just a more balanced and happier person but also a more effective leader.
6) Over-apologizing
We’ve all met someone who says sorry too much. Even for things that are not their fault or beyond their control.
On the surface, this might seem like an act of politeness or humility.
However, over-apologizing can often be a habit rooted in shame. It might stem from a feeling of being constantly in the wrong or a fear of displeasing others.
Over time, this can erode self-confidence and perpetuate feelings of guilt and unworthiness.
As business leaders, it’s important to recognize when we’re apologizing unnecessarily and to practice standing our ground.
This doesn’t mean becoming unapologetic when we’re at fault but rather learning to distinguish between genuine mistakes and situations where an apology is not warranted.
Remember, it’s okay to take up space, express your opinions, and make requests without feeling guilty or needing to apologize.
Your voice is valuable and deserves to be heard.
7) Self-punishment
Perhaps the most detrimental habit rooted in shame is self-punishment.
This can take many forms, from harsh self-talk to denying ourselves joy or pleasure when we feel we haven’t “earned” it.
The belief that we need to punish ourselves for mistakes or shortcomings is not a sign of self-discipline.
Instead, it’s a manifestation of deep-seated shame and a belief that we’re undeserving of happiness or success until we reach a certain level of perfection.
The truth is, no one is perfect. Mistakes and failures are a natural part of life, especially in entrepreneurship.
Our worth is not defined by these experiences, and we don’t need to punish ourselves for them.
Instead of engaging in self-punishment, practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself when you stumble, and remember that every setback is an opportunity for growth.
After all, resilience isn’t about never falling—it’s about learning how to get back up.
Final reflection: The power of self-compassion
Understanding our behaviors and motivations can often lead us to some unexpected revelations. As we’ve explored, habits that may seem like self-discipline can sometimes be manifestations of shame.
A vital element in navigating this is self-compassion.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, defines it as extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.
Incorporating self-compassion into our lives can be transformative. It’s about acknowledging our faults and mistakes without judgment or criticism.
It’s about understanding that everyone has shortcomings and that we’re not alone in our struggles.
As entrepreneurs, and as individuals, it’s essential to remember that our worth isn’t defined by our achievements or failures. Our worth is inherent.
And while discipline is crucial for growth and success, it should stem from a place of self-love and respect, not shame.
As you reflect on the habits we’ve discussed, remember this: You are enough, just as you are.
And cultivating a sense of self-compassion isn’t just beneficial—it’s fundamental to our overall well-being and success.
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