7 signs someone’s kindness is only surface-level, says psychology

Navigating human relationships can be tricky, especially when it comes to discerning genuine kindness from the surface-level kind.

As an entrepreneur, I’ve learned that not every smile is sincere, and not every friendly gesture comes from a place of true goodwill.

According to psychology, there are seven telltale signs that someone’s kindness might just be skin-deep. Identifying these signs can save you a lot of time and energy in business and personal relationships alike.

In the following article, we’ll delve into these signs, helping you steer clear of insincere interactions and focus on building authentic connections that truly benefit your business and personal growth.

1) They only show kindness when it’s convenient

In the world of business and personal relationships, consistency is key. Genuine kindness doesn’t have a schedule—it’s a constant, regardless of the situation or audience.

Psychology suggests that if someone is only kind when it suits them, it’s a red flag. They might be friendly when they need a favor, or when they’re in the company of others, only to switch to a cooler demeanor in private or during less ideal circumstances.

This inconsistency reveals that their kindness may not stem from authentic goodwill but rather from self-interest. It can be a strategic act to maintain an appealing image or gain some advantage.

Recognizing this pattern can help you avoid investing too much time and energy into these surface-level relationships, allowing you to focus on fostering genuine connections that can truly enrich your life and your business.

2) Their kindness doesn’t extend beyond words

I’ve learned from experience that actions really do speak louder than words. I remember a colleague who was always full of compliments and sweet words, always the first to offer a helping hand verbally.

However, when it came to actually putting in the effort or going the extra mile, they were nowhere to be found.

Psychology tells us that if someone’s kindness is only reflected in their words and not their actions, it’s usually a sign that their kindness is merely surface-level.

It’s easy to say nice things, but genuine kindness involves taking action to support those words.

So next time someone showers you with kind words, take a moment to see if their actions match. If they don’t, you might be dealing with someone whose kindness doesn’t run deep.

This awareness can help you set realistic expectations and protect yourself from potential disappointments in both business and personal relationships.

3) They lack empathy towards others

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s a key component of genuine kindness.

Someone who truly cares about others will try to understand their perspectives and emotions.

Interestingly, a study conducted by the University of Chicago found that empathetic people are often more generous and concerned about others’ welfare. They demonstrate their kindness through understanding and supportive actions.

If someone shows little interest in other people’s feelings or experiences, it might indicate that their kindness is only surface-level.

They might come across as pleasant, but without empathy, their kindness is likely to be more about maintaining a positive image than genuinely caring for others.

4) Their kindness is often followed by requests

Kindness should be given freely, without expectations of something in return. However, in some cases, you might notice that acts of kindness are often followed by requests or favors.

This can be a clear sign that the kindness isn’t as deep as it appears.

For instance, if someone pays you a compliment or does you a favor, and then immediately asks for something in return, it might indicate that their initial act of kindness was more of a strategic move than a genuine expression of goodwill.

This doesn’t mean that every request following an act of kindness is manipulative. The key is to look for patterns. If it happens repeatedly, it’s likely their kindness is transactional rather than genuine.

Being aware of this can help you manage these relationships effectively and avoid unnecessary disappointments.

5) They don’t respect your boundaries

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They help us communicate our needs and expectations to others. I’ve had experiences where someone would constantly overstep my boundaries, all under the guise of being ‘kind’ or ‘helpful’.

Despite my repeated attempts to assert my boundaries, these individuals would continue to intrude, making me feel uncomfortable and disrespected.

Over time, I realized that their so-called kindness was only surface-level. Genuine kindness respects personal space and acknowledges individual boundaries.

If someone is constantly crossing your boundaries, even after you’ve communicated your discomfort, it’s likely their kindness is only skin-deep.

Recognizing this can help you take necessary steps to protect your personal space and well-being.

6) They rarely show vulnerability

Vulnerability is a key aspect of genuine connection and kindness. It involves opening up, showing our true selves, and admitting when we’re wrong or need help.

Someone whose kindness is only surface-level might avoid these moments of vulnerability. They might always appear perfect, never admit their mistakes, or shy away from deep conversations.

This can create a barrier that prevents genuine connection and understanding.

Genuine kindness often involves being open and honest, even when it’s uncomfortable.

So, if someone is always guarded or defensive, it might be a sign that their kindness doesn’t run deep.

Understanding this can help you navigate these relationships more effectively.

7) They’re not kind to themselves

The way someone treats themselves can tell you a lot about their kindness. If a person is harsh and unkind to themselves, it’s hard for them to be genuinely kind to others.

Their outward kindness might just be a mask they put on for the world, while their inner world is filled with self-criticism and negativity.

Being kind to oneself is a fundamental aspect of genuine kindness. It indicates a healthy relationship with oneself, which often translates into healthier relationships with others.

So, if someone isn’t kind to themselves, it can be a significant sign that their kindness towards others is only surface-level.

Final thoughts: It’s all about authenticity

The complexity of human behavior is fascinating. What we perceive as kindness can be subject to various factors and motivations, not all of them genuine.

One interesting observation from renowned psychologist Carl Rogers is that authenticity in our relationships is a vital part of human well-being. When people are genuine with their feelings and intentions, it fosters healthier interactions and connections.

When it comes to kindness, the same principle applies. Authentic kindness stems from a place of empathy and respect for others, not from self-serving interests or image maintenance.

Recognizing the signs of surface-level kindness can help us make better decisions about who we choose to engage with in our personal and professional lives.

It’s a reminder to seek out those who exhibit true kindness, creating a ripple effect that can positively influence our businesses, our relationships, and our overall quality of life.

As we navigate through our interactions, let’s remember to value authenticity and consistent action over mere words, setting the stage for meaningful connections that enrich our lives.