It’s easy to assume empathy just “comes naturally.” But the truth is, plenty of us, especially men, grow up suppressing or ignoring the emotional signals that help us connect deeply with others.
The result?
Certain phrases slip out that reveal a lack of genuine empathy.
They sound dismissive, harsh, or indifferent, even if they’re not always meant to be.
Below are 8 common expressions men might use when they’re struggling to step into someone else’s shoes.
This isn’t meant to bash anyone. Instead, think of it as a friendly spotlight on phrases that, according to psychology, can shut down real conversation and leave people feeling unheard.
If you catch yourself leaning on them, there’s a chance your empathy game could use a tune-up.
1. “Calm down, it’s not that big of a deal.”
On the surface, telling someone to calm down might seem helpful — like you’re offering reassurance.
But from the other side, it’s often heard as belittling. It implies the person’s emotions are exaggerated or irrational.
Picture this: a friend is upset about a work conflict, and you blurt out, “Calm down; it’s really not that big of a deal.” You might mean, “I believe in your ability to handle this,” but it usually lands as, “Your feelings are invalid.”
According to various psychological insights, dismissing someone’s emotional experience doesn’t make them any calmer — it can make them feel isolated or even more riled up.
Instead of firing off “Calm down,” try something like, “I see you’re upset — want to talk about it?”
That minor tweak can shift the vibe from dismissive to empathetic, allowing the other person to feel genuinely heard.
2. “You’re overreacting.”
Similar to “calm down,” this phrase basically says, “Your emotions are too big for my comfort.”
It’s like a quiet way of telling someone, “I don’t think your response is valid, so you should shrink it.”
It often comes from a place of wanting the conversation or issue to end quickly. But that short-circuit approach rarely helps.
People who hear “You’re overreacting” might feel ashamed or misunderstood.
Psychological literature points out that labeling someone’s feelings as disproportionate can cause them to bottle up or even doubt their own perceptions.
If you truly feel someone’s reaction is strong, try asking, “What’s fueling these feelings right now?”
That question opens the door for them to articulate the layers behind their emotions, and it shows you’re open to understanding rather than judging.
3. “I’m not your therapist; deal with it yourself.”
Look, boundaries are important.
You don’t have to play a therapist to every friend or partner who has an issue.
But there’s a huge difference between setting a boundary respectfully and abruptly shutting someone down.
This phrase screams, “I’m done with your emotional baggage, and I’m not even going to try to empathize.” It can leave the other person feeling like a burden or, worse, like they have nowhere to turn.
In many relationships, romantic or otherwise, part of being close is offering emotional support.
When you throw a line like this, you’re effectively saying you’re not interested in stepping into that role at all.
If the problem truly feels out of your depth, you might say, “I want to help, but I’m not sure how. Maybe talking to a professional could be beneficial?”
That way, you’re still expressing care without having to play therapist.
4. “I’ve had it worse, so just get over it.”
This is the classic one-upper. You might think you’re offering perspective, but in reality, it minimizes someone else’s pain by comparing it to your own.
Everyone’s life circumstances differ, and people have unique thresholds for stress, sadness, or frustration.
By framing someone’s problem as trivial compared to yours, you’re basically invalidating their struggles.
Psychology often refers to this as a form of “competitive suffering” where people gauge whose experience is more severe. It rarely leads to a constructive conversation or deeper understanding.
A more empathetic angle might be:
“I understand it’s tough. Want to talk through what’s making it so difficult?”
That approach acknowledges their pain without tossing your own hardships into the arena as a measuring stick.
5. “Why can’t you just fix it?”
For many men, there’s an ingrained habit of jumping into problem-solving mode.
We see an issue, and we think the best show of support is to outline a series of fixes.
Sometimes that’s great — practical advice can be useful.
But if someone is venting about an emotional problem or a complex situation, they might just need you to listen and empathize first.
“Why can’t you just fix it?” implies they’re lazy, clueless, or unwilling to solve their own problem. It can feel like an attack on their competence.
Psychologically, people often need validation before they can pivot to problem-solving.
If you really want to help, try, “Are you looking for advice, or do you want me to just listen right now?”
That question sets up a clearer dynamic and ensures the other person feels safe expressing themselves.
6. “This again? Didn’t we talk about this already?”
Repetition can be draining, especially if someone cycles through the same complaint or fear.
But empathy includes patience.
Telling a friend or loved one “We’ve covered this—move on,” signals you’re tired of hearing them out.
Sure, maybe the situation hasn’t changed, but their emotions might still be evolving or intensifying.
People often need to process issues in layers.
Psychology suggests that each time they revisit a problem, they might be exploring a new angle or looking for a deeper resolution. If you brush them off too soon, you could shut down a chance for real progress.
A better approach?
“I know we’ve talked about this before, but what still feels unresolved?”
That acknowledges the repetition while allowing space for new insights or feelings they haven’t fully expressed yet.
7. “You’re too sensitive.”
Labeling someone as “too sensitive” can undercut the conversation in one swoop.
It implies that the problem isn’t the issue at hand but the other person’s emotional nature.
For many men who grew up with the “toughen up” mentality, calling someone sensitive might feel like harmless feedback. But it often carries a tone of ridicule or disapproval.
Psychologists note that sensitivity isn’t a flaw — it’s just a different way of experiencing the world.
If you’re dismissing it, you’re missing the chance to connect on a deeper level. Instead, you might try acknowledging that their feelings exist, even if you don’t fully understand them.
“I see you’re feeling this intensely — can you tell me more about what’s triggering that?” helps them open up rather than shut down.
8. “Just man up and deal with it.”
This phrase is often aimed at other men, but it can crop up in all sorts of contexts.
It’s the apex of stereotypical masculinity — telling someone to bury their emotions and power through.
While resilience is valuable, “man up” often equates emotional expression with weakness. It tells people they’re not allowed to show vulnerability.
Research shows that bottling up emotions can lead to increased stress, relationship issues, and even mental health struggles like depression.
So telling someone to “just man up” might push them further away from seeking the emotional support or coping strategies they need.
A more empathetic stance is, “I see you’re dealing with something tough. How can I help, or how do you usually cope?” That leaves room for strength and vulnerability to coexist, rather than forcing a macho front that can be isolating and unhealthy.
Wrapping up
Closing it out, but not to be overlooked — empathy takes practice.
We live in a culture that often praises toughness over tenderness, especially for men. It’s no surprise many of us default to phrases that minimize or dismiss emotions. But awareness is half the battle.
Once you recognize these common expressions, you can catch yourself before they slip out — and choose words that foster connection instead.
You don’t have to morph into an amateur therapist.
The key is showing a genuine willingness to understand another person’s emotional reality, even if you don’t share it.
Little shifts in how you respond can dramatically affect how safe people feel talking to you.
Until next time, friends.
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