Some people are parents. Others make being a parent their entire identity.
The difference comes down to how much of themselves they pour into the role. When parenting becomes the core of who someone is, it shapes how they think, behave, and interact with the world.
Psychology shows that these parents tend to develop certain habits—patterns that reveal just how deeply their identity is tied to raising their kids.
Here are eight habits of people who center their entire identity around being a parent.
1) They put their child’s needs above everything else
For some parents, their child’s needs come first—before their own well-being, their relationships, even their personal ambitions. While caring for your child is natural, parents who build their entire identity around parenting often take this to the extreme.
Psychologist Donald Winnicott once said, “It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found.” In other words, parents need a balance between self-sacrifice and individuality.
When a parent loses themselves entirely in the role, it can create an identity crisis once their child becomes more independent.
These parents may skip social events, neglect hobbies, or even turn down career opportunities—all because they feel their child must always come first.
While this level of devotion comes from love, it can sometimes lead to burnout or resentment if they don’t also take care of themselves.
2) They define their success by their child’s achievements
I used to know a parent who lived for their child’s accomplishments. Every grade, every trophy, every milestone—it wasn’t just their child succeeding, it was them succeeding.
And when things didn’t go as planned? It hit them just as hard, if not harder.
I remember a conversation where they said, “If my kid doesn’t get into a top college, I’ll feel like I failed as a parent.” That stuck with me. It made me realize how easy it is to tie your own worth to your child’s achievements.
Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.” But when parents overly invest in their child’s success, they can struggle to adapt when things don’t go as expected.
Of course, it’s natural to be proud of your child. But when their wins and losses feel like your wins and losses, it might be a sign that parenting has become more than a role—it’s become your whole identity.
3) They struggle to remember who they were before parenting
Some parents wake up one day and realize they don’t recognize themselves anymore.
The hobbies they once loved? Forgotten. The dreams they had? Put on hold indefinitely. Their entire world now revolves around their child, and the person they used to be feels like a distant memory.
I’ve heard parents say things like, “I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore,” or “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I wasn’t taking care of my kids.” It’s raw. And it’s real.
Psychologist Erik Erikson talked about the importance of identity throughout life, saying, “In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.”
But when being a parent becomes the identity, it can leave a person feeling lost once their kids grow up and need them less.
Of course, loving your child deeply is a beautiful thing. But if you can’t answer the question, “Who am I outside of being a parent?”—it might be time to rediscover yourself.
4) They feel guilty when doing something for themselves
I once knew a mom who wouldn’t buy herself a coffee unless her kids had everything they could possibly need—and even then, she felt bad about it.
A day off? A solo trip? Anything just for her? Forget it. The guilt was too much.
This kind of self-sacrifice isn’t uncommon for parents who center their entire identity around their children. They believe that any time, money, or energy spent on themselves is somehow taking away from their kids.
But as psychologist Brené Brown reminds us, “You can’t give what you don’t have.”
If a parent is constantly running on empty, always putting themselves last, they eventually burn out. And ironically, that makes it even harder to be the parent they want to be.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. Because when parents are happy, fulfilled, and well-rested, they show up as better parents for their kids.
5) They have a hard time letting their child struggle
It seems like good parenting means protecting your child from pain, right?
But here’s the counterintuitive truth: shielding them from every challenge can actually do more harm than good.
I’ve seen parents step in at the first sign of discomfort—finishing homework for their child, calling a teacher about a bad grade, smoothing over every social conflict.
It comes from love, but it can send the message: “You can’t handle this on your own.”
Psychologist Jean Piaget once said, “When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself.”
Growth comes from struggle. Confidence comes from overcoming obstacles.
And yet, parents who define themselves entirely by their role often struggle to step back and let their child face difficulty.
It’s tough to watch your kid struggle.
But sometimes, the most loving thing a parent can do is let them figure it out. Because that’s how they grow into capable, independent adults.
6) They struggle when their child becomes more independent
For parents who pour everything into raising their kids, independence can feel bittersweet—or even like a loss.
The first time their child doesn’t need help with homework, doesn’t ask for advice, or prefers to spend time with friends instead of family, it can sting.
Some parents even feel a deep sense of emptiness when their child starts pulling away.
Psychologist John Bowlby, known for his work on attachment theory, once said, “The hallmark of a secure attachment is the ability to use the caretaker as a base from which to explore.”
In other words, when kids grow into independent individuals, it means the parent has done their job well.
But for parents whose identity is completely wrapped up in parenting, this shift can feel unsettling.
Without the constant need to care for and guide their child, they may wonder—Who am I now?
Letting go isn’t easy. But giving a child space to become their own person is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.
7) They feel uneasy when thinking about life after parenting
I once heard a parent say, “I don’t even want to think about the day my kids move out.”
They laughed, but there was something behind their words—anxiety, maybe even fear.
For parents who make raising their children their entire identity, the thought of an empty nest can feel overwhelming.
If everything has revolved around being “Mom” or “Dad,” what happens when that role isn’t needed in the same way?
Psychologist Viktor Frankl wrote, “When a person can’t find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure.”
Many parents pour everything into their kids because it gives them purpose. But when that purpose shifts, some struggle to find meaning beyond parenting.
Of course, parenting never truly ends. But life after the hands-on years doesn’t have to feel like a void. It can be an opportunity—a chance to rediscover passions, relationships, and personal growth that may have been set aside for years.
8) They feel lost when their child doesn’t need them anymore
Some parents dream about the day their child becomes independent. Others quietly dread it.
And for those who have built their entire identity around parenting, it can feel like a full-blown crisis.
I’ve seen parents who don’t know what to do with themselves once their child stops needing them in the same way.
They check in constantly, offer help that wasn’t asked for, or feel hurt when their child starts making big life decisions without them.
Some even fall into depression, wondering, “If I’m not needed as a parent, then who am I?”
Psychologist Erik Erikson talked about this stage of life, saying, “Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have enough integrity not to fear death.”
In other words, a parent’s job isn’t just to raise a child—it’s to prepare for the moment when that child no longer needs them.
It’s raw. It’s painful. But it’s also a sign of success.
Because when a child steps into their own life with confidence, it means the parent has done what they were meant to do.
The challenge is learning how to move forward and find purpose beyond the role that once defined them.
Feeling stuck in self-doubt?
Stop trying to fix yourself and start embracing who you are. Join the free 7-day self-discovery challenge and learn how to transform negative emotions into personal growth.
