People who grew up with very little affection usually encounter these struggles later in life, says psychology

Growing up, I never thought much about affection. It just wasn’t a big part of my childhood. But as I got older, I started noticing things—deep insecurities, trouble trusting people, and a constant feeling that I had to prove my worth.

At first, I thought it was just me. But as I dove deeper into psychology, I realized something important: people who grow up with little affection often face similar struggles later in life. Science backs this up.

From difficulty forming close relationships to an underlying sense of never feeling “good enough,” the effects can show up in ways we don’t always recognize. But understanding these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them.

In this article, we’ll explore what psychology says about these struggles—and how to work through them so they don’t hold you back. Let’s dive in.

1) Struggling with self-worth

One of the biggest challenges I faced—without even realizing it at first—was a deep sense of not feeling good enough.

People who grow up with little affection often struggle with self-worth. When you don’t receive much warmth or validation as a child, it’s easy to internalize the idea that you’re somehow unlovable or not worthy of care.

For me, this showed up in perfectionism and a constant need to prove myself. No matter what I achieved, it never felt like enough. And if someone praised me? I had a hard time believing they actually meant it.

Psychologists say this is common. When affection is scarce in childhood, the brain learns to seek approval in other ways—through work, achievements, or even people-pleasing.

But the real solution isn’t in external validation; it’s in learning to recognize your own worth, regardless of outside opinions.

A small but powerful mindset shift that helped me was practicing self-compassion. Instead of beating myself up for every mistake, I started talking to myself like I would a close friend—with kindness and understanding. It wasn’t an overnight fix, but slowly, it changed the way I saw myself.

2) Difficulty trusting others

For the longest time, I kept people at arm’s length. I wanted close relationships, but deep down, I didn’t fully trust that people would stick around.

Looking back, it made sense. When you grow up without much affection, your brain learns to associate relationships with uncertainty rather than security. Instead of believing that love and support are dependable, you start expecting distance, rejection, or abandonment.

Psychologist Erik Erikson famously said, “Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained, hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded.”

That hit home for me. My confidence in relationships was definitely wounded—but I realized that didn’t mean I was incapable of trust. It just meant I had to relearn it.

One small step that helped? Paying attention to the people in my life who were reliable. Instead of focusing on past disappointments, I started noticing the friends who showed up, the colleagues who supported me, and the small moments of connection I had overlooked before.

Trust isn’t something that appears overnight—it’s something we build, step by step. And for those of us who didn’t grow up with much affection, it’s a skill worth developing.

3) Fear of vulnerability

For years, I avoided opening up to people. I’d listen to their struggles, offer advice, and be the “strong” one—but when it came to sharing my own feelings? I’d shut down.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to connect. I just felt like showing emotions would make me look weak or push people away.

Growing up with little affection taught me to rely on myself, and somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that needing others was a flaw.

But the truth is, vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s the foundation of real connection.

I learned this the hard way. A few years ago, a close friend called me out on it. He told me, “You’re always there for everyone else, but you never let anyone be there for you.” That stuck with me.

So, I started small. Instead of brushing off compliments or pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t, I made an effort to be honest—just a little at a time. And to my surprise, the more I opened up, the closer my relationships became.

If you’ve spent your life guarding your emotions, I get it. But letting people in doesn’t push them away—it actually brings the right people closer.

4) Struggling with emotional regulation

For a long time, I didn’t realize how much trouble I had managing my emotions.

I wasn’t the type to have big outbursts, but I did one of two things: either I bottled everything up until it exploded in frustration, or I completely disconnected from my feelings and went numb. Neither was healthy, but they were the only ways I knew how to cope.

It turns out this is common for people who grew up with little affection.

According to a study published in Development and Psychopathology, children who experience emotional neglect often struggle with emotional regulation as adults.  The researchers found that a lack of warmth and support in early life can make it harder for the brain to process and manage emotions effectively.

When I learned this, it all started to make sense. My difficulty handling emotions wasn’t a personal failing—it was something I had never been taught.

What helped me was developing simple habits to check in with myself. Instead of ignoring my feelings or letting them build up, I started writing them down, naming them, and allowing myself to sit with them without judgment.

It wasn’t easy at first, but over time, it helped me respond to emotions in a healthier way—rather than just reacting to them.

5) Feeling uncomfortable with love and affection

For the longest time, I thought I wanted love more than anything. But when I actually got close to someone who cared about me, I felt… uneasy.

Compliments made me squirm. Physical affection felt unnatural. And when someone showed me real kindness, a part of me questioned it—”Do they really mean it? What do they want from me?”

Psychologists say this is common for people who grew up with little affection. When love wasn’t a consistent, safe presence in childhood, it can feel unfamiliar—even suspicious—in adulthood. Instead of embracing it, we instinctively keep our guard up.

I saw this pattern play out in my relationships. I’d unconsciously create distance, downplay my needs, or even push people away without meaning to. It wasn’t because I didn’t want love—it was because I didn’t know how to accept it.

What helped me was reminding myself that discomfort doesn’t always mean danger. Sometimes, it just means you’re experiencing something new. Instead of shutting down when kindness or affection came my way, I made a conscious effort to sit with the discomfort and let myself receive it.

If love feels unfamiliar to you, that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of it. It just means you’re learning—and that’s a step in the right direction.

6) Constantly feeling the need to prove yourself

For years, I felt like I had something to prove.

No matter what I achieved, it never felt like enough. If I got praise, I brushed it off. If I hit a big goal, my mind immediately jumped to the next one. There was this constant pressure—like I had to earn my worth through success, hard work, or being “useful” to others.

It wasn’t until I started digging into psychology that I realized where this came from. When you grow up with little affection, you don’t always develop a strong sense of inherent worth. Instead, you learn to seek validation through achievement.

Psychologist Carl Rogers put it perfectly: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

That hit me hard. I’d spent years chasing success, thinking it would finally make me feel good enough. But real self-worth doesn’t come from proving yourself—it comes from accepting yourself first.

7) Feeling uncomfortable when things are going well

It sounds strange, but for a long time, happiness made me uneasy.

Whenever life was going smoothly—whether in relationships, work, or just my general mood—I felt this underlying tension, like something was about to go wrong. Instead of enjoying the good moments, my mind would look for problems or convince me I didn’t deserve them.

At first, I thought this was just me being “realistic.” But I later learned that people who grow up with little affection often struggle to feel safe in happiness.

If you spent your early years dealing with emotional unpredictability, your brain gets wired to expect instability. So when life finally feels good, it can actually feel wrong—as if you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The counterintuitive truth? Sometimes, the hardest thing isn’t surviving struggle—it’s allowing yourself to trust happiness when it comes.

A small practice that helped me was sitting with joy, even when it felt uncomfortable. Instead of brushing off compliments or downplaying wins, I let myself fully experience them—without guilt, without suspicion.

The more I did this, the more I realized that happiness isn’t something you have to “earn.” Sometimes, you just have to allow it.

Conclusion: Breaking the cycle starts with awareness

If you grew up with little affection, you might recognize some of these struggles in yourself. But here’s the good news—awareness is the first step to change.

You don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns forever. Start small:

– Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism.
– Let yourself trust the people who show up for you.
– Accept love and kindness without questioning it.
– Remind yourself that your worth isn’t something you have to prove.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step counts. The more you challenge these old beliefs, the more you create space for healthier relationships, deeper connections, and a life where you truly feel worthy—because you are.