7 habits you’re clinging to that are secretly making you unhappy, says psychology

For years, I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t as happy as I thought I should be.

On the surface, things were fine. But deep down, something felt off.

I was stressed, restless, and constantly chasing some vague idea of success—only to feel even more drained when I got there.

It wasn’t until I started diving into psychology that I realized the problem: I was clinging to habits that were quietly making me miserable. And the worst part? I didn’t even realize it.

And time and time again, research shows that certain behaviors—things we do every day without thinking—can slowly erode our well-being.

In this article, I’ll break down seven of these habits so you can recognize them in your own life—and start letting them go.

Let’s dive in.

1) You’re always waiting for ‘someday’

For the longest time, I told myself I’d be happy once I reached a certain goal.

Once I got that promotion.

Once I had more money.

Once everything in my life was ‘perfect.’

But psychology shows that this kind of thinking is a trap. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of chasing happiness instead of actually experiencing it.

According to the arrival fallacy, a term coined by psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, we believe that achieving a goal will bring lasting happiness—but once we get there, the feeling fades, and we move on to the next thing.

The truth is, happiness isn’t something you arrive at one day. It’s built in the small moments of your everyday life. If you’re constantly postponing joy for ‘someday,’ you’ll always feel like something is missing.

Instead, try shifting your focus. Find ways to appreciate where you are right now—even if things aren’t perfect. Celebrate small wins, enjoy simple moments, and remind yourself that happiness isn’t out there in the future.

It’s here, in this moment, if you let yourself see it.

2) You compare yourself to everyone else

For years, I measured my success by looking at other people.

If someone my age was making more money, I felt like I was behind.

If a friend was in a happy relationship while I was single, I felt like something was wrong with me.

Social media made it even worse. Every scroll through Instagram or LinkedIn reminded me of how much better everyone else’s life seemed compared to mine.

But here’s what I learned: comparison is a game you can never win. There will always be someone with more—more success, more money, more achievements. And the more you focus on them, the less you appreciate what you do have.

What helped me break free? Shifting my focus inward. Instead of measuring my progress against other people, I started tracking my own growth. Was I improving? Was I learning? Was I moving forward in ways that mattered to me?

When you stop looking sideways and start focusing on your own path, life feels a lot lighter—and a lot happier.

3) You say yes when you want to say no

For a long time, I was a people-pleaser.

If someone asked me for a favor, I’d say yes—even if I was exhausted.

If friends invited me out, I’d go—even when I really wanted a quiet night in.

At work, I’d take on extra tasks—even when my plate was already overflowing.

I thought saying yes made me a good person. But in reality, it just made me burnt out and resentful.

Psychologists call this the inability to set boundaries, and it’s a major cause of stress and unhappiness. When you constantly put other people’s needs ahead of your own, you end up running on empty.

And the worst part? Most of the time, people don’t even realize the toll it’s taking on you.

The turning point for me came when I finally said no to something small—an event I didn’t want to attend. And guess what? The world didn’t end. No one was mad. In fact, most people didn’t care at all.

That’s when I realized: saying no doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you healthy.

4) You dwell on your mistakes

For years, I had a bad habit of replaying my mistakes over and over in my head.

If I said something awkward in a conversation, I’d cringe about it for days.

If I made an error at work, I’d beat myself up endlessly, even after fixing it.

I thought this was just me being “self-aware”—but in reality, it was just self-torture. And psychology backs this up: dwelling on mistakes, also known as rumination, has been linked to higher levels of stress, anxiety, and even depression.

A 2008 study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that people who ruminate excessively are more likely to develop mental health issues over time. In other words, the more you replay your mistakes, the worse you feel—and the harder it becomes to move forward.

What helped me break free? Shifting my mindset. Instead of obsessing over what went wrong, I started asking myself: What can I learn from this? Once I took the lesson from a mistake, I made a conscious effort to let it go.

Because here’s the truth: no one is thinking about your mistakes as much as you are. The sooner you forgive yourself and move on, the happier—and lighter—you’ll feel.

5) You try to control everything

I used to believe that if I planned everything perfectly, I could avoid stress, failure, or disappointment.

I obsessed over details, overanalyzed decisions, and got frustrated when things didn’t go exactly the way I wanted.

But no matter how much I tried to control everything, life had other plans. Unexpected problems would come up. People wouldn’t act the way I expected them to. And every time that happened, I felt anxious and overwhelmed.

The turning point for me was learning to embrace uncertainty. Instead of resisting change, I started asking myself: Can I actually control this? If the answer was no, I worked on letting it go. And if the answer was yes, I focused on what I could do—without obsessing over the outcome.

The truth is, no one has complete control over life. But when you stop fighting uncertainty and start trusting yourself to handle whatever comes your way, you’ll feel a whole lot lighter—and a whole lot happier.

6) You bottle up your emotions

For most of my life, I believed that ignoring my emotions made me stronger.

If I felt stressed, I’d push through it.

If I felt sad, I’d tell myself to “get over it.”

If something upset me, I’d bury it deep and pretend it didn’t bother me.

But over time, all those suppressed feelings didn’t just disappear—they built up. And eventually, they came out in unhealthy ways: sudden bursts of anger, unexplained anxiety, and moments where I just felt completely drained.

I finally learned that emotions aren’t meant to be ignored—they’re meant to be processed. Instead of bottling things up, I started acknowledging how I felt. Journaling helped.

Talking to a trusted friend helped even more. And when I gave myself permission to actually feel my emotions, they stopped weighing me down so much.

7) You chase happiness

It sounds strange, but one of the biggest things keeping me unhappy was my obsession with being happy.

I thought happiness was something I had to constantly pursue—like a goal I needed to reach. So I kept chasing it. I read self-help books, set bigger goals, and told myself that if I just did enough, I’d finally feel content.

But the harder I chased happiness, the more it slipped away.

Psychologists call this the happiness paradox—the idea that directly pursuing happiness can actually make you less happy. Studies have found that people who make happiness their main goal often end up feeling more pressured and disappointed when they don’t achieve it.

So what’s the solution? Stop chasing happiness and focus on meaning instead. Instead of asking, What will make me happy?, ask:

– What makes me feel fulfilled?
– What kind of life do I want to build?
– What small moments bring me joy each day?

Ironically, when I stopped obsessing over happiness and started focusing on living with purpose, I became happier than ever.

So if you’ve been chasing happiness and still feel unfulfilled, try shifting your focus. Happiness isn’t something you find—it’s something that naturally follows when you live in alignment with what truly matters to you.

Conclusion: Let go and move forward

The habits that secretly make you unhappy aren’t always obvious. They feel normal—sometimes even necessary. But as psychology shows, they can quietly drain your energy, confidence, and joy.

The good news? You don’t have to change everything overnight. Start small.

– Notice when you’re caught in comparison or overthinking.
– Practice saying no when you need to.
– Let yourself feel emotions instead of pushing them away.
– Focus on meaning rather than chasing happiness.

Happiness isn’t about having a perfect life—it’s about changing the way you live each day. And the moment you start letting go of these hidden habits? That’s when real peace begins.