People who aren’t close with their adult children usually display these 8 behaviors (without realizing it)

There’s something uniquely heartbreaking about realizing that the bond with your child has weakened over time.

It’s never one big, dramatic moment but rather a series of small things—missed calls, awkward silences, or feeling like you’re on the outside of their life.

I’ve come across countless posts online where people vent about their distant relationships with their parents. They describe interactions that feel more like obligations than genuine connection. 

It’s clear that most parents in these situations don’t set out to create emotional distance. Often, they aren’t even aware of the patterns that push their kids away.

If your relationship with your adult child isn’t what you’d hoped for, it may be time to take an honest look at certain behaviors that could be creating a barrier.

Here are some common ones to watch out for:

1. They criticize more than they compliment

One of the most common habits that get in the way of a great relationship is that of pointing out mistakes or offering “constructive criticism” a bit too frequently. 

It might come from a place of good intentions, wanting the best for their adult kids. But when all your child hears is where they went wrong, they start feeling like they can’t do anything right.

I’m not saying positive feedback should be forced or fake. Still, a simple acknowledgment of your grown child’s accomplishments—even the small ones—can make a world of difference. 

Sometimes, that one warm word of praise can stand out more powerfully than five bits of unsolicited advice.

It’s a matter of balance: if you notice you’re leaning more on the critique side, sprinkling in genuine compliments can shift the entire tone of your conversations.

2. They make jokes at their children’s expense

Following on from that, parents who think teasing is just harmless fun could be damaging their relationship with their adult child. 

You see, when the humor is always at someone else’s expense, it can sting more than you might expect.

What seems like lighthearted banter might actually cut deep if it targets sensitive areas—like career choices, lifestyle decisions, or personal quirks.

For example, I once heard a father joke about his son’s so-called “lack of ambition” in front of friends. You could see the son’s face turn red, and he quickly shut down. 

Over time, these jabs can add up, making adult children feel misunderstood or belittled. A sense of humor is wonderful, but it’s worth asking if your jokes are building bridges or burning them.

3. They hold onto old resentments

Lingering grudges from years back can quietly poison a parent-child relationship, too. 

I’ve seen parents who continue to bring up that time their kid dropped out of a sports team or that argument about not going to a certain college. 

The child may have moved on, but some parents keep circling back to the wound, never fully letting it heal.

Letting go of these past conflicts doesn’t mean you never talk about what went wrong. It means choosing to keep them from defining the relationship in the present.

The older your kids get, the more they have going on in their own lives. Constant reminders of old regrets or perceived failures create a wall between you.

If you truly want to reconnect, focusing on the now can sometimes be the biggest gift you can give both yourself and your grown child.

4. They struggle to let go of control

Parents often spend decades guiding and managing most aspects of their children’s lives.

The tricky part is realizing when to step back as your kids become adults with their own choices, responsibilities, and ways of doing things. 

It’s not uncommon for parents to keep calling the shots—where their child should live, how they should spend money, or how to raise their own children.

In fact, this was one of the issues I had with my own parents when I was in my 20s. They had all sorts of advice about everything from where I should live and what kind of apartment I should rent, to which jobs I should apply for. 

At first, I’d nod along and take mental notes, because I knew their intentions were good. 

But as I got older and more confident in charting my own path, the constant suggestions started to feel suffocating. It felt like they didn’t trust me to make sound decisions.

Over time, I had to set firm boundaries—politely but clearly letting them know I valued their input yet wanted the final say in how I ran my life.

It wasn’t an easy transition, and there were plenty of moments when it led to frustration on both sides. 

Eventually, though, it helped us establish a healthier dynamic. My parents realized that easing up on control didn’t mean they were abandoning their role; it meant they were respecting who I was becoming as an adult—and that shift paved the way for better communication and a closer bond in the long run.

5.  They don’t respect boundaries

Much like letting go of control, learning to respect boundaries is crucial for a healthy adult relationship. 

For instance, my own parents would drop by unannounced or expect immediate responses to texts and calls at any hour.

While it might have been fine to barge into your son’s or daughter’s room when they were five, doing so when they’re thirty is a whole different story.

Boundaries help preserve trust and independence. If a grown child sets a boundary—maybe they’d prefer you text before calling, or they ask you not to share personal information about them on social media—respecting that wish goes a long way. 

We can’t be shocked when our kids pull away if we ignore the limits they’re trying to set.

6.  They expect compliance instead of collaboration

“You should do this,” or “You have to do that,” are phrases that might have carried some weight when the kids were young. 

But adulthood changes the script. When adult children are treated like they have no say, they often pull away or comply out of guilt while harboring resentment underneath.

It’s important to remember that collaboration feels far more respectful and effective in building closeness. 

If you want your kids to visit more, discuss what works for everyone. If there’s a difference of opinion, aim for mutual understanding rather than dictating terms.

The more you treat your grown children like the adults they are, the more likely they’ll engage with you in a meaningful, supportive way.

7. They avoid the tough conversations

I’ve seen families that skirt big topics: finances, long-standing disagreements, health concerns, or decisions about extended family gatherings.

Pretending these issues don’t exist doesn’t make them go away. Adult children might interpret this avoidance as lack of trust or caring.

I understand that stepping into those sensitive discussions can be scary. I once had to initiate a talk with a loved one about a financial boundary, and I was terrified they’d think I was overstepping.

But being open and honest—while doing my best to remain calm and respectful—actually helped deepen our relationship. Sometimes, confronting uncomfortable truths is necessary to maintain a genuine connection.

8. They insist on “It’s just the way I am” 

We’ve all heard someone say, “I can’t change, this is who I am.” And it’s quite common with people who are no longer close with their adult children. 

The problem with this kind of thinking is, refusing to see how our actions affect others can create an unyielding barrier. 

Adult children might eventually decide it’s less stressful to keep their distance than to wrestle with a parent who won’t acknowledge their role in the tension.

Growth and change aren’t just for the young. Parents should never stop evolving, too. 

There’s a surprising freedom in embracing personal growth. It means we get to keep learning—and in turn, we can build healthier, more open relationships with the people we love most.

Being open to self-awareness can make all the difference. It signals to your children that you respect them enough to evolve alongside them.

Wrapping up

Rekindling a relationship with your grown children doesn’t happen overnight.

It’s often a gradual process of noticing patterns, making small but deliberate changes, and creating a new kind of respect that matches this stage of life.

The beautiful thing about families is their potential to adapt. Even if there’s been years of distance or misunderstanding, a fresh approach can breathe new life into the bond. 

If you recognize yourself in any of these points, see it as an opportunity to grow. Honest conversations, active listening, and an open heart can pave the way for a deeper, more authentic connection.

It may take courage and a bit of humility, but it’s worth every step. After all, a close relationship with our grown children is one of the most rewarding things we can invest in.