Some people are just looking out for themselves—and they don’t care who they step on to get ahead.
Dealing with a calculating and selfish person can be exhausting. They manipulate situations, take advantage of others, and always seem to have their own hidden agenda.
The worst part? They’re often skilled at disguising their true intentions.
Recognizing the warning signs early can save you from wasted time, energy, and even financial loss.
Whether it’s a colleague, a business partner, or someone in your personal life, spotting these behaviors can help you protect yourself and make smarter decisions.
Here are eight red flags to watch out for.
1) They take more than they give
Relationships—whether in business or life—should be a two-way street. But with a calculating and selfish person, it’s all about them.
They always seem to need a favor, but when you need help? Suddenly, they’re too busy. They take credit for group efforts, drain your time and energy, and rarely offer anything in return.
At first, they might disguise it as charm or confidence. But over time, you’ll notice the pattern: they expect generosity but never reciprocate.
Healthy relationships—whether with colleagues, clients, or friends—are built on mutual support. If someone is always taking without giving back, it’s a major red flag.
2) They only reach out when they need something
I once had a former colleague who would only message me when he needed a favor. At first, I didn’t think much of it—I was happy to help. But after a while, I started to notice a pattern.
He never checked in just to see how I was doing. He never offered help in return. Every conversation had a purpose, and that purpose was always to benefit him.
The moment I stopped immediately saying yes, his messages became less frequent until they stopped altogether. That’s when I realized: I wasn’t a friend or a valued connection—I was just a resource.
Genuine relationships aren’t transactional. If someone only reaches out when they need something, but never makes an effort otherwise, it’s a clear sign they’re more interested in what you can do for them than in you as a person.
3) They downplay your achievements
A calculating person doesn’t like to see others succeed—especially if it threatens their own sense of importance.
Instead of celebrating your wins, they’ll minimize them, make passive-aggressive comments, or shift the focus back to themselves.
Studies have shown that insecure people are more likely to diminish others’ accomplishments as a way to protect their own self-image. Rather than being inspired by someone else’s success, they feel the need to tear it down.
You might hear things like, “Anyone could have done that,” or “You just got lucky.” Over time, this kind of negativity can make you start questioning your own worth.
But don’t let it. Confident and supportive people lift others up—not bring them down.
4) They manipulate through guilt
Selfish people know that guilt is a powerful tool—and they aren’t afraid to use it.
Instead of asking directly for what they want, they frame things in a way that makes you feel bad for saying no. “After everything I’ve done for you,” or “I guess I’ll just have to figure it out on my own,” are common tactics.
This kind of emotional manipulation is designed to make you feel responsible for their problems, even when it’s not your job to fix them. The more you give in, the more they’ll keep using guilt to control you.
Healthy relationships are built on respect, not obligation. If someone constantly makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries, it’s a sign they don’t respect them in the first place.
5) They disappear when you need them
It’s easy to be around when things are going well. But true character shows when times get tough.
A calculating and selfish person has no problem leaning on others for support, but when the roles are reversed, they’re nowhere to be found. They dodge calls, make excuses, or suddenly become too busy to help.
Support isn’t just about convenience—it’s about showing up, even when there’s nothing in it for you. If someone constantly vanishes the moment you need them, they were never really in your corner to begin with.
Everyone deserves relationships built on trust and mutual care. Don’t waste your energy on people who only stick around when it benefits them.
6) They make you question yourself
Some people have a way of making you doubt things you were once sure of. A selfish person will twist conversations, deny things they’ve said, or act like you’re overreacting—until you start wondering if the problem is actually you.
You second-guess your own feelings. You replay interactions in your head, trying to figure out if you misunderstood something. Over time, their words chip away at your confidence, making it harder to trust your own judgment.
But here’s the truth: if someone constantly makes you feel unsure of yourself, that’s not a coincidence. It’s a tactic. And the more you recognize it, the less power it has over you. Trust what you know.
7) They hold grudges and use them against you
Everyone makes mistakes, but with a calculating person, no mistake is ever truly forgiven.
Instead of moving forward, they keep a mental list of every time you’ve let them down—no matter how small. And when it serves their agenda, they bring it up to make you feel guilty or to justify their own selfish behavior.
“Remember when you did this?” or “After what you put me through, you owe me.”*These are not the words of someone who wants resolution. They’re the words of someone who sees relationships as leverage.
Healthy connections allow room for mistakes and growth. If someone constantly weaponizes the past against you, they’re not looking for understanding—they’re looking for control.
8) They never take responsibility
Nothing is ever their fault. If something goes wrong, they blame circumstances, other people, or twist the story to make themselves the victim.
They dodge accountability with excuses, denial, or even turning the blame back on you. And if they do apologize, it’s usually empty—more about avoiding consequences than making things right.
Taking responsibility is a sign of maturity and integrity. If someone refuses to own their mistakes, they’re not just being difficult—they’re showing you exactly who they are.
Bottom line: Trust your instincts
Human relationships are complex, but one thing is simple—your gut feeling is there for a reason.
Research shows that our brains process subtle social cues faster than we consciously realize. That uneasy feeling you get around a selfish or calculating person?
It’s not random. It’s your mind picking up on patterns before you can fully articulate them.
Manipulative people rely on doubt and second-guessing to maintain control. The more you ignore your instincts, the easier it is for them to take advantage.
But the moment you start listening—to your discomfort, to the red flags, to the exhaustion they leave in their wake—you take back your power.
Not everyone deserves a place in your life. And recognizing that isn’t cold or unkind—it’s self-respect.
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