It’s fascinating how often we assume we’re perfectly friendly and open when we’re around other people—only to discover later that we’ve been giving off signals that push them away.
I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve thought I was just minding my business, but in reality, I was sending a vibe that screamed, “Don’t talk to me.”
Maybe it’s a networking event, a casual hangout at a friend’s house, or a family gathering. In each scenario, people constantly read our body language, facial expressions, and other subtle cues—even when we’re not aware of it.
According to findings in Psychology Today, our nonverbal behaviors can influence how others judge our warmth and approachability.
If you’ve ever felt like you were on the outside looking in, or wondered why nobody is striking up conversations with you, it could be one (or several) of these everyday habits.
Below are eight common things people do that might cause others to think twice before saying hello.
1. You keep your phone glued to your hand
I’ve been guilty of this one too many times. Checking emails, scrolling through social media, or responding to quick messages often feels harmless.
But when someone sees you lost in your phone screen, they may assume you’d rather not be disturbed. It signals that you’re occupied—maybe even bored or disinterested in what’s going on around you.
One of my friends once told me that whenever I was on my phone at social gatherings, she hesitated to approach. She thought I was deep in important work or simply not interested in chatting.
From a psychological standpoint, researchers at Verywell Mind highlight that we naturally look for cues about whether someone is open to interaction. A phone acts like a barrier, blocking eye contact and giving off a “busy” vibe.
If you need to use your phone briefly, do it in a corner or discreetly, then put it away. This small action can make you seem more accessible and engaged.
2. You cross your arms and avoid direct eye contact
Crossed arms are often seen as a protective or defensive stance. Sometimes it’s just a comfortable way to stand, but the people around you might interpret it as “closed off.”
When you pair crossed arms with lack of eye contact—like staring at your shoes or looking anywhere but at the people nearby—you send an unspoken message: you’re not open for conversation.
I once attended a workshop where I was feeling a bit out of my element. I found myself crossing my arms and looking downward because I was overwhelmed. Little did I realize how that posture might have been interpreted.
An article even points out that keeping a relaxed stance, arms at your sides, or hands resting gently on a table, can instantly make you seem more warm and easy to talk to.
If you notice you’re crossing your arms, remind yourself to relax your shoulders, lift your head, and make friendly eye contact. That slight adjustment can encourage people to approach.
3. You rarely smile or laugh
A simple smile can break the ice in almost any social situation.
We’ve all been in situations where we feel nervous, stressed, or just distracted, and that can show up on our faces. When your expression remains neutral or even a bit stern, people might think you’re upset, annoyed, or simply uninterested.
During a recent family get-together, one of my relatives told me I looked angry. I wasn’t angry at all; I was just mentally juggling a long to-do list. But because my face didn’t reflect warmth, she hesitated to strike up a conversation.
One study referenced in Psychology Today mentions that smiling influences how we’re perceived in terms of both likability and trustworthiness.
When you’re in a social setting, try to be conscious of your facial expressions. You don’t need to fake a grin every moment, but a slight, genuine smile now and then can go a long way toward making others feel at ease around you.
4. You give short or one-word answers
Sometimes, we’re just not feeling super chatty. But in social contexts—especially with people we don’t know very well—one-word or vague responses can come across as dismissive or even rude.
When someone tries to engage you in conversation and all you muster is a quick “yes,” “no,” or “fine,” they might conclude you’re not interested in deeper interaction.
I’ve noticed that when I’m stressed or preoccupied, I tend to say “yep” or “uh-huh” without elaboration. Later, I realize I might’ve seemed cold or uninterested, which is rarely my actual intention.
If you don’t offer anything back—like asking a follow-up question or sharing a bit more detail—the other person will likely stop trying.
To appear more approachable, offer a sentence or two about your day or a question about theirs. This signals a willingness to continue the conversation.
5. You stick to the same people and ignore newcomers
Human beings are creatures of comfort. We often cluster around familiar faces.
But when you exclusively talk to people you already know and barely acknowledge others, it can look as if you’re part of an exclusive group. Even if you don’t mean to exclude anyone, standing in a tight circle can intimidate outsiders or make them feel they’re “interrupting.”
I realized this at a community event when a new neighbor told me she felt like an outsider because I was huddled with my close friends the entire evening. We were just catching up on life, but she got the impression we didn’t want anyone else joining in.
A simple solution: open up your circle. Physically leave space for others to join and be mindful to make eye contact with newcomers. Ask a question to invite them in. Small steps make a big difference.
6. You never initiate conversations
A lot of us wait for the other person to break the ice, and if they don’t, we figure, “Well, they must not want to talk.”
But if they’re thinking the exact same thing, you end up in a silent standoff. Never starting a conversation can paint the picture that you’re uninterested in engaging.
I used to wait until someone approached me first, especially in networking settings. I was worried I’d bother them or say something silly. But then I realized that if we all adopt that strategy, no one talks to anyone.
Taking small conversational risks—like commenting on the venue or asking about someone’s day—can signal openness and friendliness.
Even a simple “Hi, how do you know the host?” can break the ice. Initiating doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It just shows that you’re open and willing to engage, which is often enough to put people at ease.
7. You look distracted or disinterested when someone is talking
Ever catch yourself glancing around the room mid-conversation, or letting your eyes drift over to the clock?
It’s easy to do, especially if you’re anxious or have a lot on your mind. But to the person speaking, it’s a clear sign that you’re not fully present—and that can come across as dismissive.
I recall a time when I was at a friend’s birthday party, and another guest was telling me about their new job. I was looking around trying to see if my daughter was okay, and I guess I kept glancing away.
The friend later mentioned he felt I wasn’t interested in what he was saying. I felt terrible because I genuinely cared; I was just simultaneously playing “mom radar” in my head.
To avoid this, make eye contact, nod occasionally, and give verbal cues like “Wow, that’s interesting” or “I didn’t know that.” That indicates you’re actively listening.
According to research on active listening skills, even small affirmations can signal your engagement, making you appear much more approachable.
8. You keep your facial and vocal expressions flat
We often talk about body language and eye contact, but tone of voice and facial expressiveness also matter.
If you’re speaking in a monotone voice without much inflection, or if your face remains neutral no matter what’s being said, it can come across as if you’re bored or uninterested. Think about the last time you tried to talk to someone who responded in a flat, robotic tone—it doesn’t feel inviting, does it?
People pick up on emotional cues quickly, and if someone’s expressions are hard to read, we might assume the worst: that they’d rather not be there.
A little warmth in your tone, a quick smile, or an occasional laugh can convey that you’re genuinely present in the moment.
I try to be mindful of this when I’m at work events. Even if I’m tired from a long day, I remind myself to brighten my voice just a bit. It’s a simple technique that can dramatically change how people perceive you.
Wrapping up
Approachability might feel like it comes naturally to some, but the good news is, it can be cultivated by anyone willing to pay attention to their habits.
Small shifts in your body language, tone of voice, and conversational style can make a huge difference.
If you’ve spotted any of your own tendencies in these eight points, don’t panic. You don’t need to overhaul your personality—just experiment with simple changes.
By understanding how even subtle habits can affect the way others see you, you can build better connections, strengthen your relationships, and feel more at ease in every setting.
After all, personal growth is about becoming more aware and making conscious choices that help us show up as our best selves.
Make a few tweaks, keep practicing, and watch as people begin to feel more comfortable striking up conversations. Sometimes, it’s the smallest efforts that create the biggest impact.
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