9 subtle parenting mistakes that will weaken your bond with your children over time, says psychology

As parents, we all want to build strong, lasting connections with our children.

But sometimes, without even realizing it, we develop habits that slowly weaken that bond over time.

The tricky part? These mistakes are often subtle. They don’t seem harmful in the moment, but psychology shows that over the years, they can create emotional distance between you and your child.

The good news is that once you recognize these patterns, you can make small adjustments that have a big impact.

Here are nine common parenting mistakes to watch out for—so you can nurture a deeper, more trusting relationship with your child.

1) Not being fully present

We all lead busy lives, juggling work, responsibilities, and endless to-do lists.

But one of the most subtle ways parents weaken their bond with their children is by not being fully present when they’re together.

It’s easy to assume that just being in the same room is enough. But kids are incredibly perceptive—they can tell when you’re distracted, even if you don’t say a word.

Constantly checking your phone, thinking about work, or half-listening to their stories sends a silent message: Something else is more important than you right now.

The good news? You don’t need to spend hours of undivided attention every day.

Even small moments of full presence—looking them in the eye when they talk, putting your phone away during dinner, or truly listening without rushing to respond—can strengthen your bond in ways that last a lifetime.

2) Brushing off their feelings

I’ll admit it—there have been times when I’ve dismissed my child’s emotions without even realizing it.

I remember one evening when my daughter came to me in tears because a friend didn’t want to sit next to her at lunch. My first instinct was to reassure her: “It’s not a big deal, you’ll forget about this by tomorrow.”

I meant well—I just wanted to ease her pain. But instead of making her feel better, she looked even more upset and walked away.

Later, I realized my mistake. By downplaying her feelings, I wasn’t helping her process them—I was making her feel unheard. Kids don’t always need solutions; they need to know their emotions are valid.

Now, when my children come to me with something that seems small, I try a different approach: “That sounds really tough. Tell me more.”

Simply acknowledging their emotions helps them feel understood—and strengthens our bond in the process.

3) Apologizing the wrong way

I used to think that as a parent, I had to have all the answers—that admitting I was wrong would somehow make me look weak.

So when I lost my temper or made a mistake, my apologies were… half-hearted at best.

I thought I was apologizing. But looking back, I wasn’t taking real responsibility—I was making excuses. And my kids could tell.

Psychologist Harriet Lerner puts it perfectly: “I’m sorry’ are the two most powerful words in the English language when they are said with sincerity and backed up with changed behavior.”

I had to learn that a real apology doesn’t include a but. It means owning up fully: “I’m sorry for raising my voice. That wasn’t okay.”

No excuses, no blame-shifting—just accountability. And here’s the surprising part: When I started apologizing the right way, my kids didn’t lose respect for me. If anything, they trusted me more.

Because when they saw me take responsibility, they learned that mistakes don’t break relationships—how we handle them does.

4) Expecting perfection (from them or yourself)

I used to think that setting high expectations was a good thing. And in some ways, it is—kids thrive when we believe in them.

But there’s a fine line between encouragement and perfectionism, and I didn’t always know where that line was.

Whether it was correcting my child’s homework until it was flawless or feeling guilty for not being the “perfect” parent myself, I slowly realized that perfection wasn’t helping anyone—it was creating pressure.

Psychologist Donald Winnicott introduced the idea of the “good enough parent”—the idea that kids don’t need perfect parents, just parents who show up, love them, and do their best.

He explained, “The good-enough mother… starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds, she adapts less and less completely.”

In other words, imperfection isn’t failure—it’s part of healthy growth.

So now, I try to remind myself: My child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need to see how I handle mistakes, how I bounce back, and how I give myself grace—so they can learn to do the same.

5) Giving too much praise

This one surprised me. I always thought that showering my kids with praise—telling them they were smart, talented, or amazing—would boost their confidence. But psychology says otherwise.

It turns out, how we praise our kids matters just as much as how often.

When kids are constantly told they’re “so smart” or “naturally gifted,” they can start to fear failure. Instead of taking on challenges, they may stick to what’s easy—because they don’t want to risk proving us wrong.

Psychologist Carol Dweck, who pioneered research on growth mindset, explains: “Praising children’s intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance.”

Instead of praising abilities, she suggests praising effort—things like persistence, problem-solving, and hard work.

So now, instead of saying, “Wow, you’re so good at math!” I try to say, “I love how you kept trying even when that problem was tough.”

The goal isn’t to make them feel special—it’s to help them believe in their ability to grow.

6) Trying to make them happy all the time

It’s natural to want to protect our kids from pain.

But constantly stepping in to make things better can actually weaken our bond in the long run. Why? Because it teaches kids that uncomfortable emotions should be avoided instead of processed.

And over time, they may stop coming to us with their struggles—not because they don’t trust us, but because they don’t think we can handle their real feelings.

Psychologist Susan David explains: “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”

Kids don’t need us to make their sadness or frustration disappear—they need us to sit with them in it, to let them know it’s okay to feel what they feel.

Now, when my child is upset, I resist the urge to say, “Don’t be sad!” Instead, I say, “I see that you’re really disappointed. That makes sense. I’m here.”

And that simple shift—allowing them to have their emotions instead of rushing to fix them—has deepened our connection more than I ever expected.

7) Not letting them struggle

I used to think that being a good parent meant stepping in whenever my child was struggling.

But then I realized something: Every time I stepped in too soon, I was sending an unspoken message—I don’t think you can handle this on your own.

Psychologist Jean Piaget, known for his work on childhood development, once said, “Every time you teach a child something, you deprive him of the opportunity to discover it for himself.”

Struggle isn’t something to be avoided—it’s where real learning happens.

Now, when my child faces a challenge, I take a step back before jumping in. Instead of offering the answer right away, I ask, “What do you think you could try next?”

It’s not always easy to watch her wrestle with things, but I’ve learned that letting her struggle a little now helps her build confidence that will last a lifetime.

8) Prioritizing obedience over connection

I used to think that a well-behaved child was a sign of good parenting. So when my kids pushed back, questioned rules, or expressed big emotions, I’d shut it down quickly.

I wasn’t trying to be harsh—I just wanted order, respect, and a little peace. But over time, I started noticing something unsettling: My kids weren’t opening up to me as much.

They followed the rules, but they also hesitated to share their feelings. And that’s when it hit me—obedience doesn’t equal trust.

Rudolf Dreikurs once said, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.”

Kids don’t just need discipline; they need to feel heard, respected, and understood. When we focus only on compliance, we miss out on connection.

Now, instead of shutting down their emotions, I try to listen first. Boundaries still exist, but the difference is that now my kids know their voice matters. And because of that, our bond is stronger than ever.

9) Giving them too much independence too soon

We all want to raise independent kids—children who can think for themselves, make good choices, and navigate the world with confidence.

So it might seem like the best way to foster independence is to step back early, letting them handle things on their own as much as possible.

But psychology tells a different story. Kids actually become more independent when they first experience strong, consistent support.

Psychologist Erik Erikson, known for his work on human development, explained it this way: “Children cannot become truly autonomous unless they have first experienced deep trust.”

In other words, real independence doesn’t come from being pushed into it—it comes from knowing that someone will be there if they stumble.

I used to think that letting my child struggle alone would make her stronger. Now, I know that offering guidance—while still allowing her to try—is what truly builds confidence.

And more often than not, knowing she has that safety net gives her the courage to take on challenges all by herself.

Final thoughts

Building a strong, lasting relationship with your child requires awareness of the subtle habits that may be weakening your bond.

By making small adjustments, such as being present, validating emotions, and encouraging effort over perfection, you can foster a deeper connection. Parenting isn’t about avoiding mistakes but learning from them and showing your child that imperfection is part of growth.

Ultimately, these changes will not only improve your relationship with your child but also help them develop the emotional resilience and confidence to navigate the world.