Not everyone who’s struggling shows it outright. Some people seem perfectly fine on the surface—laughing, working, and going about their daily lives—while quietly carrying wounds no one can see.
Their pain doesn’t always come in obvious ways, but if you look closely, subtle behaviors start to reveal what’s really going on underneath.
On the outside, they seem strong and put-together, but deep down, they’re fighting battles they don’t talk about.
If you’ve ever sensed that someone isn’t as okay as they seem—or maybe even recognized some of these patterns in yourself—pay attention. Here are seven subtle behaviors that often signal hidden struggles.
1) They joke about their pain but never open up seriously
A well-timed joke can lighten the mood, but when someone constantly makes fun of their own struggles, there’s often something deeper beneath the humor.
Instead of talking openly about what they’re going through, they turn their pain into a punchline. It’s a way to deflect, to keep things light, to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
People who do this might laugh about their stress, their exhaustion, or their past traumas, but they never really talk about them.
When others try to dig deeper, they quickly change the subject or add another joke to steer the conversation away.
Humor can be a powerful coping mechanism, but it can also be a mask. The real question is: if they weren’t laughing, what would they be saying instead?
2)They keep themselves constantly busy to avoid thinking
Some people chase productivity, not because they love the hustle, but because slowing down feels unbearable. They pack their schedules with work, hobbies, and social events—anything to avoid sitting with their thoughts.
At first glance, they might seem ambitious or highly motivated. But if they never allow themselves a moment of stillness, it’s worth asking why. Constant busyness can be a way of running from emotions that feel too heavy to face.
The problem is, no one can outrun their feelings forever. Eventually, exhaustion sets in, and when it does, all the emotions they’ve been avoiding come crashing down at once.
3) They downplay their struggles and insist they’re ‘fine’
Even when life is clearly weighing them down, they insist everything is fine. No matter how difficult things get, they act like it’s no big deal.
They tell themselves (and others) that they can handle it, that they don’t need help, that they’ve got it under control.
While resilience is a powerful trait, it can sometimes turn into emotional suppression.
In my book, The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness, I delve into the concept of resilience and how it’s a crucial skill for dealing with life’s challenges. In it, I discuss how true resilience isn’t about ignoring pain—it’s about learning how to process and move through it in a healthy way.
Pushing through hardships is admirable, but pretending struggles don’t exist only makes them harder to carry. Admitting you’re struggling isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s the first step toward healing.
4) They isolate themselves but make it seem like a choice
When someone feels broken inside, a subtle shift happens. They start canceling plans, ignoring calls, and keeping conversations short.
When asked about it, they say they just prefer being alone or that they’re too busy for socializing. And while that might be true, there’s often something more beneath the surface.
Pulling away from people can be a subtle way of self-protection.
When someone is struggling internally, socializing feels exhausting. It’s easier to be alone than to pretend everything is fine or risk being vulnerable.
True solitude is healthy. But when isolation starts feeling like an escape, it’s a sign that something deeper needs attention.
5) They give more than they receive in relationships
They’re the ones who always show up. They listen, support, and do everything they can to be there for others.
At first glance, it seems selfless, but deep down, they might be using their role as a giver to avoid dealing with their own needs.
When someone constantly prioritizes others over themselves, it can be a way of distracting from their own struggles.
They pour into other people’s problems so they don’t have to face their own. Over time, this imbalance can leave them feeling drained, unseen, and emotionally exhausted.
Giving is beautiful, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of oneself. If someone never allows themselves to receive support, it’s often a sign they don’t feel worthy of it.
6) They struggle to express their real emotions
Some people struggle to put their feelings into words. Not because they don’t have emotions, but because they’ve spent so long suppressing them that they don’t even know how to communicate what’s going on inside.
Instead of saying, I’m feeling overwhelmed, they’ll brush it off with a vague I’m just tired.
Instead of admitting they’re upset, they’ll act distant or irritable.
It’s not that they don’t want to be understood—they just don’t know how to let those walls down.
The problem is, bottled-up emotions don’t disappear; they just find new ways to surface. Whether through stress, burnout, or sudden outbursts, unspoken feelings will always find a way to be felt.
7) They engage in self-destructive habits in subtle ways
Not all self-destructive behaviors are obvious. Some people don’t spiral dramatically, but instead, engage in small, harmful coping mechanisms that slowly wear them down.
These habits might not seem extreme on their own, but over time, they create a pattern of self-neglect that keeps them stuck in emotional pain.
Some of the most common subtle coping mechanisms are:
- Overworking
- Buying things impulsively
- Emotional eating
- Excessive screen time
Others might use alcohol or substances—not necessarily in an extreme way, but just enough to numb the edges of their emotions.
Even procrastination and self-sabotage can be forms of self-destruction, preventing progress and reinforcing a cycle of helplessness.
These behaviors don’t always seem concerning at first, but when they become a routine way of avoiding emotions, they can be just as damaging as more obvious forms of self-destruction.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them. The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to start making choices that support healing instead of masking the pain.
Final reflections
Pain doesn’t always look like pain. Some people carry it so well that you’d never suspect they’re struggling.
But when you start noticing the small, subtle behaviors on this list, you begin to see that not everyone who looks fine is truly okay.
Understanding these signs isn’t about diagnosing or labeling someone—it’s about recognizing that people are often fighting battles we can’t see. And sometimes, even they don’t fully realize the weight they’re carrying.
The good news is that healing is possible, but it starts with awareness, honesty, and the willingness to face what’s beneath the surface.
Halfway through our exploration of these behaviors, I mentioned my book, The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness. In it, I delve deeper into how resilience, often mistaken for mere stubbornness or denial, can in fact be a coping mechanism employed by individuals dealing with internal battles.
As we close this discussion, it’s important to remember that every person we meet is fighting a battle we know nothing about. So let’s strive to be kind, patient, and understanding.
Let’s remember to look beneath the surface, for that’s where the true stories often lie. And let’s remind ourselves that helping someone else through their struggle could be the most important thing we do today.
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