7 relationship behaviors you don’t realize are making you come across as manipulative and controlling

Ever found yourself wondering why some of your well-meaning actions in a relationship don’t quite land the way you intend?

I get it—relationships can be a tricky dance. Even with the best intentions, certain behaviors can come across as controlling or manipulative without you even realizing it.

The truth is that these behaviors often stem from fear, insecurity, or even love, but they can create a disconnect if left unchecked.

Today, we’re unpacking seven subtle relationship behaviors that might be sending the wrong message. By identifying them, you can foster healthier, more balanced connections with the people you care about.

Let’s break ’em down.

1) Insisting on being right

I’ve seen it time and again. One partner insists on always having the last word, on always being right. It seems harmless at first, a simple quirk of personality.

But it’s more insidious than you might think.

The problem is, when you’re always right, what happens to your partner’s opinions? Are they always wrong?

This behavior subtly undermines your partner’s confidence and makes them feel less valued in the relationship.

If you’re always finding yourself ‘winning’ discussions with your partner, it might be time for some self-reflection. A healthy relationship is a partnership, not a competition.

2) Being a puppet master

In my years of relationship counseling, I’ve seen many partners unknowingly pulling the strings. They decide where to go on dates, what to eat for dinner, and even which friends their partners should hang out with.

I get it. I’ve been there too. It can be easy to justify this behavior as just being more decisive or organized. But remember, a relationship is about two people working together, not one person dictating everything.

It’s all about mutual respect and understanding. Instead of mapping out your partner’s every move, try giving them the freedom to choose. Trust me, it’ll make your bond stronger.

3) Playing the blame game

It’s all too easy in a relationship to start pointing fingers when things go wrong. It’s simple, it’s quick, and it takes the heat off of you. But it’s also one of the most destructive behaviors you can engage in.

I’ve seen it time and again in my counseling sessions, and I’ve even found myself doing it on occasion. It’s a reflex, a defense mechanism. But it’s one that we need to unlearn.

When we blame our partners for everything that goes wrong, we’re not just avoiding responsibility. We’re also undermining their self-esteem and fostering resentment.

Next time something goes wrong, instead of pointing a finger at your partner, take a moment to reflect on the situation.

It’s not about who’s right or wrong. It’s about working together to find solutions.

4) Being too giving

Counterintuitive, isn’t it? How can being generous and giving in a relationship be a bad thing?

Well, as strange as it might seem, overdoing the giving can indeed become a problem. Let me explain.

One partner’s excessive generosity can actually create an imbalance in the relationship. This person gives and gives, often at the expense of their own needs and feelings, creating a dynamic that can be subtly manipulative.

It’s like this: when you’re always the one giving, your partner may start to feel indebted or even controlled. They might feel pressured to reciprocate in ways they’re not comfortable with, leading to resentment and frustration.

So yes, be generous. Be kind. But remember to also respect your partner’s autonomy and allow them to give back in their own way.

5) Thinking you’re partner is a mind reader

This might come as a shock, but your partner isn’t a mind reader. Neither are you. And yet, how often do we expect our partners to just know what we’re thinking or feeling?

In my own relationships and in those I’ve counseled, this is a common pitfall. We think our partners should just intuitively understand our needs and desires.

But here’s the thing: expecting your partner to instinctively know your thoughts and feelings can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding. It’s also a form of control – you’re expecting them to conform to an unspoken standard.

6) Playing the constant victim

This one’s tough to hear, but it’s necessary. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we can slip into the role of the perpetual victim in our relationships.

I’ve seen it, and honestly, I’ve lived it too. It’s a hard pill to swallow. You feel like things are always happening to you, that you’re always on the receiving end of life’s hardships.

But playing the victim constantly can be a form of manipulation. It puts your partner in a constant position of being the ‘bad guy’ or the one who needs to make amends.

It’s okay to express hurt and ask for support. However, constant victimhood can create an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. It’s crucial to take responsibility for our actions and share the role of support with our partners.

7) Always checking in

This is probably the most common one.

It might seem like you’re just showing care and concern. But trust me, there’s a thin line between caring and controlling.

Constantly checking in on your partner, wanting to know where they are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing – it can quickly turn from care to control.

This behavior can make your partner feel monitored and suffocated. It’s a form of control that cloaks itself as a concern.

It’s important to love and care for our partners, but it’s equally important to respect their personal space and trust them. So next time you feel the urge to constantly check in, pause for a moment and ask yourself if it’s really necessary.

Final Thoughts

It’s not always easy to see when we’re being manipulative or controlling in our relationships. These behaviors can sneak up on us, wrapped in the guise of care, concern, or even love.

But recognizing them is the first step towards change.

Of course, everyone slips up from time to time. What’s important is that we recognize our mistakes and make a conscious effort to improve.

If you found this article helpful and want to delve deeper into healthy relationship dynamics, I invite you to check out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It’s packed with practical advice and insights that can help you build more fulfilling and balanced relationships.

Keep learning, keep growing, and remember – love is about respect, understanding, and mutual growth.