8 phrases emotionally intelligent people never use when dealing with difficult people

Dealing with difficult people can often feel like walking a tightrope.

You’re constantly trying to balance your patience, emotions, and responses. And trust me, it’s no easy feat.

You’ve probably found yourself losing your cool, saying things you don’t mean, or simply being left speechless.

And it’s not because you’re not smart or capable. It’s just that some people have the knack of pushing our buttons.

Now, here’s the thing: emotionally intelligent people have a secret weapon.

They never use certain phrases when dealing with difficult people.

Their choice of words is always calculated and intentional, aimed at diffusing tension and navigating conflict with ease.

In this article, I’ll share those eight phrases they steer clear of, even when the going gets tough.

1. “You’re wrong”

Navigating the choppy waters of tricky interpersonal situations is no mean feat.

Emotionally intelligent people are skilled at this, and one major rule they abide by is to never tell someone outright that they’re wrong, no matter how certain they are.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to prove your point, especially when you’re dealing with someone who’s being difficult.

We all want to stand our ground, right? But here’s the catch: telling someone they’re wrong is a surefire way to escalate tension and close off channels of communication.

Emotionally intelligent people aim for dialogue, not discord. They focus on presenting their perspective rather than diminishing the other person’s viewpoint. This isn’t always easy, but it’s a key part of maintaining healthy interactions.

So next time you’re faced with a challenging person, resist the urge to say “you’re wrong”. Instead, try expressing your thoughts in a more empathetic and non-confrontational way. You’d be surprised at how much more receptive people can be when they don’t feel attacked.

2. “You always…”

This was a tricky one for me to learn, but it’s made all the difference. The phrase “you always” is one that emotionally intelligent people avoid like the plague, especially when dealing with difficult people.

Think about it. When you use the phrase “you always”, it tends to put people on the defensive.

It’s like you’re painting them with a broad brush, ignoring the nuances of different situations and their actions. It stirs up emotions and often leads to unnecessary conflict.

A while back, I was dealing with a co-worker who was consistently late for meetings.

It was frustrating for everyone involved. One day, I lost my cool and told him, “You’re always late!” The result? His defensiveness went through the roof, and the conversation quickly spiraled into an argument.

Had I chosen my words more carefully and said something like “I’ve noticed you’ve been late a few times, is everything okay?”, the outcome might have been different.

By avoiding the blanket statement and instead addressing the specific issue in a non-confrontational manner, I could have opened up a dialogue rather than sparking an argument.

This approach isn’t about sugar-coating things or avoiding confrontation. It’s about focusing on the issue at hand without making it feel like a personal attack. After all, when people feel attacked, they’re less likely to be receptive to what you have to say.

3. “Whatever”

I’m reminded of a quote by the great Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

“Whatever” is one of those phrases that emotionally intelligent people avoid because it can be dismissive and belittling, regardless of how it’s meant. It’s like saying, “I don’t care enough about this conversation or your feelings to engage further.” And let’s face it, who wants to feel like that?

There was a time when I used this word without giving it much thought, especially when I felt cornered or overwhelmed in a conversation.

But then I realized how damaging it was. It shut down communication, made the other person feel unimportant, and did nothing to address the issue at hand.

Now, instead of resorting to a dismissive “whatever”, I try to communicate my feelings more openly.

If I need some time to process the conversation, I say so. If I disagree with something, I express my disagreement respectfully.

4. “That’s not my problem”

Empathy plays a crucial role in our ability to manage social interactions effectively, especially challenging ones.

Emotionally intelligent people understand this and are careful to avoid phrases like “that’s not my problem” when dealing with difficult people.

It’s not about taking on other people’s problems, but about acknowledging their feelings and showing understanding.

Imagine you’re having a conversation with a colleague who is upset about a shared project.

If you respond with “that’s not my problem”, you’re not just dismissing their concerns, but also shutting down an opportunity for constructive dialogue.

Instead of distancing yourself from the issue, try to approach it with empathy and understanding.

A response like “I see why you’re upset, let’s figure this out together” can make all the difference. It shows that you’re willing to engage and collaborate, rather than simply washing your hands of the problem.

Remember, emotionally intelligent people aren’t doormats. They set boundaries and protect their well-being. But they also understand the value of empathy in building strong, positive relationships, even with the most difficult individuals.

5. “I don’t care”

When you’re dealing with difficult people, it can be tempting to put up a wall and utter the phrase “I don’t care”.

It’s a defense mechanism, a way to protect ourselves from the emotional drain. But emotionally intelligent people understand that this phrase can do more harm than good.

Saying “I don’t care” sends a clear message: that you’re not willing to engage, to understand, or to find common ground. It can make the other person feel unheard and dismissed, which only fuels their difficult behavior.

Instead, try a different approach. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, it’s okay to express that – but in a constructive way. You could say, “I’m finding this conversation challenging right now, can we take a break and continue later?”

6. “It’s not a big deal”

Another phrase emotionally intelligent people avoid is “It’s not a big deal”.

It might seem harmless, even comforting, but it can often be perceived as dismissive of the other person’s feelings or concerns.

Imagine a scenario where someone shares their frustrations about a situation at work, and you respond by saying, “It’s not a big deal”. You might think you’re helping them see the bigger picture or putting things into perspective. But to them, it might feel like their feelings are being trivialized.

Instead, emotionally intelligent people validate the feelings and experiences of others, even if they don’t fully understand or agree with them. A response like “I can see how this is a big deal for you” can go a long way in building rapport and trust.

7. “You’re overreacting”

Now here’s a phrase that can instantly turn a difficult conversation into a heated argument: “You’re overreacting.”

It’s another one of those phrases that emotionally intelligent people tend to avoid.

When we tell someone they’re overreacting, we’re essentially invalidating their feelings and emotions.

It’s like saying that their response to a situation is not appropriate or justified, which can make them feel misunderstood and dismissed.

Instead of telling someone they’re overreacting, emotionally intelligent people strive to understand why the other person might be feeling the way they do. They ask questions, show empathy, and validate the other person’s feelings, even if they don’t share the same perspective.

An alternative response might be, “I see that this has upset you a lot. Can we talk about why it’s causing you so much distress?” This approach demonstrates respect for the other person’s emotions and opens up a space for constructive dialogue.

8. “I told you so”

Last but certainly not least, emotionally intelligent individuals steer clear of the phrase “I told you so”.

While it can be tempting to say, especially when you’ve been proven right, it rarely does any good in a conversation.

“I told you so” can come off as condescending and unsupportive. It can make the other person feel inferior, embarrassed, or defensive.

And let’s face it, none of us like to feel like we’re being lectured or talked down to.

Instead of using this phrase, emotionally intelligent people opt for a more supportive and understanding approach.

If someone makes a mistake that you warned them about, instead of saying “I told you so”, try something like: “It seems like this didn’t go as planned. How can we fix this together?”

This way, you’re not dwelling on the mistake, but focusing on finding solutions and moving forward. It fosters collaboration and shows that you’re there to support them and not just point out their faults.

In the end, it’s all about promoting understanding, respect, and empathy when dealing with difficult people. It’s about choosing our words wisely to foster better and more effective communication. Because when we do that, even the most challenging interactions can become opportunities for growth and learning.

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Picture of Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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