Becoming more assertive is about setting boundaries, expressing yourself confidently, and respecting both your own needs and those of others.
However, certain passive behaviors can hold you back and keep you stuck in patterns of avoidance or self-doubt.
To help you on this journey, I’ve identified seven behaviors you need to say goodbye to.
The key to becoming more assertive is first understanding what’s holding you back.
Let’s dive into it:
1) Saying ‘yes’ to everything
The most common behavior of a passive person is the inability to say ‘no’.
Saying ‘yes’ to everything can be exhausting and it’s often a sign of prioritizing other people’s needs over your own.
As we get older, it becomes increasingly important to protect our own time and energy.
This doesn’t mean becoming selfish or uncaring, but rather learning to set boundaries.
If you’re someone who struggles to say ‘no’, you might worry about disappointing others or causing conflict.
But remember, asserting yourself is not about confrontation, it’s about communication.
Start small by try saying ‘no’ to a minor request and build from there.
You’ll find that most people respect your honesty and it might even encourage them to be more assertive too.
2) Avoiding confrontations
I’ve always been a peacekeeper by nature: I used to avoid confrontations at all costs, even if it meant sweeping my own feelings under the rug.
But, over time, I realized this was doing more harm than good.
Avoiding confrontations is a classic passive behavior.
While it might seem like you’re keeping the peace, in reality, you’re just avoiding addressing the issues at hand.
As I got older, I started to understand that confrontation is not always a bad thing.
It’s about open and honest communication—expressing your feelings and standing up for what you believe in.
I remember one time when I had a disagreement with a friend over a trivial matter.
Instead of avoiding the issue, I decided to discuss it openly with her.
To my surprise, our friendship didn’t end but became stronger because of our honesty with each other.
Remember, it’s okay to disagree and stand up for what you believe in.
It’s not about winning an argument, but about expressing your thoughts and feelings honestly.
3) Holding back from expressing your thoughts
Did you know that in a typical group meeting, three people do 70% of the talking?
This often happens because we hold back from expressing our thoughts, especially if they go against the grain.
Holding back is a typical passive behavior that hinders assertiveness.
It’s born out of fear–fear of judgement, rejection or causing conflict.
By holding back, you’re not only denying others the opportunity to hear your perspective, but you’re also denying yourself the chance to be heard.
Assertive people understand the value of their thoughts and are not afraid to share them.
They believe in open communication and understand that their voice matters.
Your opinions and ideas are important and they deserve to be heard.
4) Not setting clear boundaries
Boundaries are a crucial part of any healthy relationship.
They help us communicate our needs clearly and prevent us from feeling used or taken advantage of.
But for many of us, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable.
We worry about coming across as harsh or unkind, so we allow others to overstep our limits.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that setting boundaries is not about pushing people away, it’s about showing respect for yourself and your needs.
If you want to become more assertive, it’s time to start setting clear boundaries—when someone crosses a line, let them know in a respectful yet firm manner.
You’ll find that people will respect you more for standing up for yourself.
Say goodbye to not setting clear boundaries if you want to be less passive and more assertive as you get older.
5) Over-apologizing
I remember a time when I would apologize for everything, even when it wasn’t necessary.
I’d say ‘sorry’ when someone bumped into me, or when I expressed a differing opinion—it was as if I was apologizing for taking up space.
Over-apologizing is a passive behavior that can diminish your self-worth and undermine your assertiveness.
By constantly saying ‘sorry’, you’re indirectly implying that you’re in the wrong, even when you’re not.
As I’ve matured, I’ve learned to distinguish between when an apology is necessary and when it is not.
Instead of automatically resorting to ‘sorry’, I now express gratitude or acknowledge the situation in a different way.
Truth be told, you have every right to express your thoughts and occupy space without feeling guilty or apologetic about it.
6) Trying to please everyone
The desire to be liked by everyone can often lead us down a path of passivity.
In trying to please everyone, we often end up neglecting our own needs and desires.
Pleasing everyone is an impossible task—no matter what you do there will always be someone who disagrees or disapproves.
The key is to understand that it’s okay not to be liked by everyone.
Being assertive means standing up for what you believe in, even if it’s not the popular opinion–it means making decisions based on your needs and wants, not just to make others happy.
Focus on pleasing yourself and standing up for your beliefs.
Your happiness should not be contingent on the approval of others.
7) Ignoring your gut instincts
Our gut instincts are powerful tools that can guide us in making the right decisions.
When we ignore them, we often end up feeling resentful or dissatisfied.
Becoming assertive means trusting your instincts and having the confidence to act on them—respecting your feelings and using them as a guide to navigate through life.
Trust yourself, and have the courage to follow your intuition.
Final reflection: It’s a journey
The path to assertiveness is a gradual, transformative journey requiring self-awareness, courage, and patience.
Change takes time, and setbacks are part of the process, but each step forward is a victory.
Assertiveness means valuing your voice, setting boundaries, and standing up for yourself.
As we grow, embracing this change can empower us, strengthen relationships, and boost self-worth.
What’s one step you can take today toward assertiveness?
Reflect on it—because every great journey begins with a single step.
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