Life is a two-way street, and so should be our relationships. But sometimes, it feels like you’re the only one putting in all the effort. You start to wonder if someone is using you for their own gain, with little regard for your feelings.
Recognizing the signs of being used can be tough. It’s like trying to read between the lines of someone’s actions and words.
I’m here to help you out. In this article, we’ll explore 8 signs that someone may be using you for their own advantage, and not truly valuing you as they should.
1) They only show up when they need something
Ever noticed that certain friend or acquaintance who only pops up when they need a favor? It’s like they have a sixth sense for when you could be useful to them.
We all need help sometimes, and it’s great to lend a hand. But if someone only reaches out when they need something, it’s a pretty clear sign that they might be using you.
A balanced relationship involves give and take. If you’re always the one giving and they’re always taking, that’s not a good sign.
It might be time to assess whether this person truly values your relationship, or if they’re just seeing you as a means to their own ends.
2) They lack interest in your life
A personal experience comes to mind when I think about this sign. I used to have a friend, let’s call her Lisa. We were friends for a couple of years, but I noticed a pattern over time.
Whenever we’d meet up or chat over the phone, the conversation would always be about her. Her problems, her achievements, her plans. I didn’t mind lending an ear—I thought that’s what friends do.
But then I realized something. Lisa rarely asked about my life. She showed little interest in my feelings or what was happening with me.
One day, I decided to test this. During one of our phone chats, I had just experienced a significant achievement at work. But instead of mentioning it right away, I waited for Lisa to ask about my day or my life. She never did.
That’s when it hit me. Lisa wasn’t truly interested in my life. Whenever we interacted, it was always about her and what she needed.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, chances are you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t truly value you—they might just be using you as an emotional sounding board for their own lives.
3) They’re nowhere to be found during your tough times
Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. We all have our low moments, and that’s when we really get to see who our true friends are.
True friends stick around during the tough times. They offer a shoulder to cry on, or at least a listening ear when you’re going through hardships.
On the other hand, if someone consistently disappears when you’re going through a rough patch, only to reappear when things are going well, it’s a sign they might be using you.
Being there for someone only during their good times, but vanishing during their moments of need, is not a mark of a genuine relationship. It’s a clear indication that they are more interested in what you can offer them, rather than genuinely caring about you as a person.
4) They’re not mindful of your feelings
Mindfulness is a core aspect of any genuine relationship. It’s about being aware and considerate of the other person’s feelings. If someone constantly disregards your feelings or ignores your boundaries, it might be a sign that they’re using you.
In my book, “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment”, I discuss how being mindful can drastically improve our relationships.
However, mindfulness isn’t a one-way street. The other person in the relationship has to be mindful too. They should be aware of your feelings, respect your boundaries, and value your presence in their life.
If they are dismissive of your feelings or constantly overstep your boundaries, it might indicate that they are more interested in their benefit from the relationship rather than valuing you as an individual.
You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. Anything less than that is simply not acceptable.
5) They only talk about themselves
There was this colleague I used to work with, Jake. He had a great sense of humor and was generally fun to be around. We quickly became lunch buddies, and I enjoyed our chats.
However, over time, I noticed a recurring pattern in our conversations. Jake loved to talk about himself. His weekend adventures, his amazing ideas at work, his grand plans for the future. He could go on and on.
I didn’t mind initially, but then it started feeling one-sided. I could barely get a word in about my own experiences or thoughts. It was as if he was having a conversation with himself, with me as an audience.
Eventually, it dawned on me that Jake wasn’t interested in hearing me. He was more interested in having someone listen to him.
6) They’re overly generous
Now, this might seem a bit counter-intuitive. After all, isn’t generosity a good thing? Well, yes, but not always.
Sometimes, people use generous acts to manipulate others. I call it “transactional generosity.” It’s when someone gives you something with the expectation of getting something in return. It’s not about kindness; it’s about control.
For instance, they might shower you with gifts or favors, making you feel indebted to them. Then, when they need something from you, they might remind you of their generosity as a way to guilt-trip you into complying.
Healthy relationships don’t keep score. If someone is frequently using their generosity to get you to do what they want, it’s a sign they’re using you for their own benefit. They may not truly value you but value what you can give them in return for their “generosity.”
7) They make you feel guilty
Guilt is a powerful emotion that can be used to manipulate people. If someone consistently makes you feel guilty for not meeting their needs or expectations, it’s a sign they might be using you.
For example, they might make you feel guilty for not helping them out, even when you have valid reasons or prior commitments. Or, they could guilt-trip you into agreeing with them, even when you have different opinions.
In a genuine relationship, both parties should respect each other’s boundaries and decisions. If someone is using guilt to control your actions and decisions, it’s a clear indication that they are more interested in their own benefit rather than valuing your feelings and freedom.
8) They don’t reciprocate
In any relationship, reciprocation is key. You support each other, listen to each other, and help each other out. It’s a two-way street.
But if someone is always on the receiving end and never returns the favor, it’s a clear sign they’re using you.
If you’re always the one making sacrifices, giving support, and offering help, but it’s never returned when you need it, this person doesn’t truly value you.
Remember, in a balanced relationship, both parties contribute and support each other. Anything less than that is not worthy of your time and energy.
It’s about self-respect
Recognizing when someone is using you is a vital part of maintaining self-respect and healthy relationships. It’s not always easy, and sometimes, we might ignore the signs because of emotional attachments or hope that things might change.
In my book, “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment”, I discuss how being mindful and self-aware can help us understand our worth, set boundaries, and nurture healthier relationships.
Every relationship should be a two-way street. If you notice that you’re often on the giving end, it’s time to reassess and reflect. Are your needs being met? Are you truly valued?
Just as important as recognizing these signs is taking the necessary steps to address them. This could mean having an honest conversation, setting boundaries, or sometimes, walking away.
At the end of the day, it’s about respecting yourself enough to demand the respect you deserve from others. You are worthy of genuine relationships where you are valued for who you are, and not just for what you can offer.
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