If your parent belittles you, they’re a narcissist. If they make everything about themselves, they’re a narcissist.
Welcome to the basics of understanding narcissistic parenting.
But it’s not always that cut and dry. Indeed, the impacts of being raised by a narcissist are so nuanced and far-reaching, it takes real lived experience to fully comprehend them.
Those who’ve walked this path, though, can identify 8 distinct aspects. This is a reality that I, and others like me, can truly understand.
1) The endless pursuit of approval
Growing up with a narcissistic parent is like being on a perpetual treadmill.
You’re always running, always striving, but never quite reaching the destination. That destination?
Their approval. It’s elusive, fleeting, and once you think you’ve got it, it slips right through your fingers.
But here’s the thing – that’s not your fault. It’s the nature of narcissism.
They move the goal posts constantly, keeping you in a perpetual state of seeking validation.
And that’s something only those of us who’ve been in this predicament can truly understand. It’s not about what you didn’t do right or how you could have been ‘better’.
It’s about their inability to provide the affirmation you needed.
Hard pill to swallow? Absolutely. But it’s the first step towards healing and breaking free from the chains of their narcissism.
2) The performance of perfection
I’ll never forget the time I scored 99% on a math test. I was thrilled, expecting my mother to be proud of me.
Instead, she asked me where the remaining 1% went.
This is a classic example of growing up with a narcissistic parent – they demand perfection, even when it’s unreasonable or downright impossible. For them, anything less than perfect isn’t good enough.
And this relentless pursuit of perfection can leave deep emotional scars.
This expectation to always be perfect, to always exceed and excel, is something those not raised by narcissistic parents might find hard to understand.
But for us, it’s just another part of the twisted reality we grew up in.
3) The absence of boundaries
In healthy relationships, boundaries are respected and valued. They’re the invisible lines that protect our personal space and our emotional wellbeing.
But with narcissistic parents, these lines are often blurred or even completely disregarded.
They see their children as extensions of themselves, not as separate individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and needs.
This can lead to a variety of issues, from emotional enmeshment to an inability to assert oneself later in life.
According to research, children of narcissists often struggle with setting boundaries in adulthood because they were never taught to do so growing up.
This lack of boundary setting can permeate into their personal and professional relationships, leading to further problems down the line.
It’s a ripple effect that only those who’ve experienced it can truly understand.
4) The constant gaslighting
Gaslighting is a common weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal. It’s a form of psychological manipulation where they make you question your own reality and sanity.
“You’re too sensitive.” “That never happened.” “You’re just imagining things.” These are all classic examples of gaslighting phrases.
The most damaging part? Over time, you start to believe them. You start doubting your own memories, your own feelings, and even your own worth.
It’s an insidious form of emotional abuse that can leave lasting scars, and only those who’ve been on the receiving end can truly fathom its impact.
5) The feeling of never being enough
No matter how hard I tried, how much I achieved, or how much I changed myself to fit their mold, it never seemed to be enough for my narcissistic parent.
This constant pursuit of validation and the feeling of never being ‘enough’ is a shared experience amongst those of us raised by narcissists.
I remember countless times when I’d put my heart and soul into something, only to be met with indifference or criticism.
It’s an emotionally exhausting way to grow up, always striving for an unreachable standard.
This feeling of never being ‘enough’ is something only those who’ve lived it can truly understand.
It’s not just about the physical or material accomplishments; it’s about the constant undermining of your self-worth and self-esteem.
6) The hidden strength
You might think growing up with a narcissistic parent leaves you vulnerable and weak. But here’s the thing – it can actually make you incredibly resilient and strong.
Living under constant scrutiny and criticism, you learn to adapt. You learn to protect your heart, to stand up for yourself, and to navigate through the complexities of emotional manipulation.
Sure, it’s a tough way to develop these skills. But the strength and grit it instills in you is something that can’t be learned from textbooks.
It’s a unique kind of resilience that only those who’ve walked this path can truly appreciate.
7) The struggle with self-identity
Growing up with a narcissistic parent often means growing up with a distorted sense of self. Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves rather than separate individuals.
This can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a lack of self-identity.
You might find yourself constantly questioning your worth, your abilities, and even your own thoughts and feelings.
It’s like looking at yourself through a broken mirror, unable to get a clear picture of who you truly are.
This struggle with self-identity is something that only those raised by narcissists can truly understand.
It’s not just about finding yourself; it’s about piecing together a self that’s been fractured by narcissistic abuse.
8) The path to healing
The journey to healing after being raised by a narcissistic parent is a long and arduous one.
It involves unlearning harmful beliefs, rebuilding your self-esteem, and learning to establish healthy relationships.
But despite the challenges, it’s entirely possible.
Healing is not just about moving on from the past; it’s about reclaiming your life, your worth, and your identity.
It’s about understanding that you are not the reflection of your narcissistic parent’s distorted image, but your own person deserving of love, respect, and kindness.
This path to healing is something that only those who’ve walked it can truly understand. It’s difficult, it’s painful, but most importantly, it’s liberating.
Embracing the journey
If you’re reading this and can relate, know that you’re not alone. There are countless others who’ve walked this treacherous path and have come out the other side stronger and more resilient.
Being raised by a narcissistic parent isn’t something anyone would choose.
But it’s through these trials that we often discover our true strength and resilience. It’s through these adversities that we learn to value ourselves, despite what we’ve been made to believe.
It’s not an easy journey, nor is it a quick one. But it’s a journey worth taking. Because at the end of it, you’ll find yourself – your true self, unclouded by the distortions of narcissistic abuse.
Healing is not just possible; it’s your birthright. And while the scars may remain, they’ll serve as a testament to your strength and your ability to overcome.
You’re not just a survivor of narcissistic parenting. You’re a testament to human resilience and the transformative power of self-love.
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