7 phrases you should never use with your children if you want them to have a strong sense of self-belief

The words we use with our children have a profound impact on their self-esteem and confidence.

Certain phrases, even if said with good intentions, can unintentionally undermine their sense of self-belief and resilience.

To help nurture their confidence and encourage a strong, positive self-image, it’s essential to choose your words carefully.

Here are seven phrases you should never use with your children if you want them to grow up with a strong sense of self-belief—and what to say instead to inspire and uplift them:

1) “You’re not good enough!”

Reflect on this phrase for a moment—it’s something that, if said to a child, can create deep-seated insecurities.

If you’re aiming to foster self-belief in your children, it’s crucial to eradicate this phrase from your vocabulary.

The words we say to our young ones shape their reality; they don’t just listen to our words, they absorb them, they live them.

Let me clarify: Consider a child learning to ride a bike—they fall, they stumble, but they get back up again.

If at that moment, you tell the child that they’re not good enough, what will happen?

Their resolve will crumble and they’ll start believing those words.

Being human means accepting that we all have our strengths and weaknesses—e are all learning and growing.

It’s vital to let go of the illusion that constant criticism will lead to improvement. It doesn’t. Encouragement does, and it is most impactful when it comes naturally, when it’s genuine.

If you can start creating an environment where your child is encouraged to try new things without the fear of criticism, their self-belief will grow. They won’t need constant validation.

They will be able to trust in their abilities and potential.

2) “You’ll never be successful.”

Ponder on these words for a moment: It’s a statement that might seem innocuous, a simple attempt to motivate your child to strive harder.

However, it’s a dangerous phrase that can undermine your child’s self-belief.

This understanding arose from a conversation I had with a child psychologist.

Typical parenting advice often suggests setting high standards to push children to achieve—while this is a common belief, it’s not the only perspective.

Instead, true motivation comes from cultivating an atmosphere of encouragement and positivity.

The psychologist pointed out to observe our children: We should just be observers, and the miracle of observation is motivation.

As you observe, slowly you’ll see the child working towards their goals; but they are not feeling pressurized, they are becoming more confident, more self-assured.

When you constantly tell your child that they’ll never be successful, you give too much power to those words—you undermine their inherent potential.

Now, I advocate for less pressure and more understanding; sometimes children may falter. other times they may make mistakes.

This is not something to worry about anymore.

3) “You’re just like…”

This one can be a tough one to digest.

Telling our children that they resemble a family member might stem from the idea that genetics play an absolute role in shaping our personalities.

But the truth is, our environment and personal experiences also have a substantial impact on who we become.

Your child’s personality and character are still in development and highly influenced by their environment and experiences.

If you’re aiming to instill self-belief in your children, it’s essential to acknowledge that they are their own individuals, with unique abilities and potential.

It’s crucial to let go of the illusion of predestination that comes from believing genetics determine everything about us—they don’t.

Our actions, decisions, and experiences shape us significantly, and they are most transformative when they occur naturally and without undue influence.

If you can refrain from comparing your children to other family members and start creating a nurturing environment where they feel free to express their individuality, their self-belief will naturally flourish.

They won’t need to carry the burden of comparison or live up to anyone else’s expectations.

They will be able to believe in their unique potential and capabilities.

4) “You’re so lazy!”

It’s an easy label to stick on a child, especially when they are not performing up to our expectations.

In my experience, I’ve noticed adults often mistake a child’s lack of interest for laziness.

A child’s enthusiasm can wane when they are forced to engage in activities that don’t resonate with them.

My intentions are good—I want the child to learn and grow, to develop skills that may be useful in the future.

But when I label them as lazy, I risk harming their self-esteem and belief in their abilities; I may overlook their potential in areas where they show genuine interest.

My words may become a self-fulfilling prophecy, causing the child to believe that they are indeed lazy and incapable.

If I judged the child solely based on my intentions, I wouldn’t question my choice of words.

Instead, not focusing solely on my intentions allows me to reflect on my actions and change how I communicate.

I am learning to observe more closely and understand what truly interests the child.

How you communicate with your child is what matters, not the intentions that drive your behavior.

5) “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

This is one phrase that hits close to home for me.

Growing up, I was always compared to my older brother—he was the star athlete, the high achiever, the “perfect” son.

I, on the other hand, was more introspective, more interested in books and art than sports or academics.

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” was a question I heard too often.

The impact of those words was profound and it made me question my worth, my abilities, and my interests.

It took me years to understand that my value did not lie in how closely I could mimic my brother’s achievements, but in nurturing and developing my own unique talents.

When we compare our children to others, especially their siblings, we inadvertently foster a sense of inadequacy in them.

We make them feel as though they are constantly in a race they didn’t choose to participate in.

Instead of comparing, let’s celebrate their individuality—let’s focus on their strengths and encourage their interests.

Most importantly, let’s ensure they know that they are valued for who they are, not who we want them to be.

6) “I’m disappointed in you.”

Child psychologists widely agree that expressing disappointment can have a deeply negative impact on a child’s self-esteem.

They argue that this feeling of disappointment is often internalized by children, leading them to feel that they are disappointments themselves.

Here’s the key point: This knowledge prompts us to be more mindful of our language and emotional expressions towards our children.

Expressing disappointment may not always be avoidable, but it’s crucial to communicate it in a way that focuses on the action rather than the child themselves.

For those struggling with self-belief, understanding that mistakes or failures do not define their worth can provide a sense of security and resilience.

It’s a reminder that they are, like everyone else, learning and growing, and that failures are stepping stones to improvement and success.

Avoiding phrases like “I’m disappointed in you” encourages children to see their journey as part of a larger learning process and can foster a robust sense of self-belief.

7) “You’re too young to understand.”

This phrase, often uttered as an easy escape from complex conversations, can subtly undermine a child’s self-belief.

Children, with their innate curiosity and eagerness to learn, are often more capable of understanding complex issues than we give them credit for.

They absorb information like sponges, and even when they don’t fully comprehend a concept, they store it away for future reference.

When we dismiss their ability to understand because of their age, we inadvertently discourage their curiosity and undermine their confidence in their own cognitive abilities.

We create an unnecessary barrier to their intellectual growth.

Instead of dismissing their inquiries, let’s encourage them: Let’s simplify complex topics or use analogies suitable for their age—cultivating an environment where no question is considered too complicated or silly.

In fostering this open dialogue, we empower our children.

We allow them to believe in their abilities to understand the world around them and fuel their thirst for knowledge.

Bottom line: It’s about empowerment

The words we speak to our children hold immense power in shaping their self-belief and confidence.

Every phrase we use—whether encouraging, validating, or critical—can leave a lasting impression, influencing how they perceive themselves and their abilities.

By choosing words that uplift, validate feelings, and celebrate effort, we nurture their sense of worth and capability.

Simple, thoughtful communication can encourage resilience and inspire them to embrace challenges with confidence.

The messages we convey today will echo in their minds for years to come.

Let’s ensure those echoes are filled with affirmation, encouragement, and belief in their unique potential.