People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often display these 9 specific behaviors

There’s a fine line between genuine kindness and superficial sweetness. Some individuals have mastered the art of pretending to be nice, but they’re actually mean underneath the facade.

This duplicity can be tricky to spot, but there are certain behaviors these individuals often display. Recognizing these signs can save you from a lot of unnecessary heartache and confusion.

In this article, we’ll examine the 9 specific behaviors typically shown by people who might seem kind on the surface, but are actually quite mean underneath.

Let’s get started.

1) They give backhanded compliments

We all appreciate a good compliment. But when it comes to people who are kind on the surface yet mean underneath, their praises often have a sting in the tail.

Enter the world of backhanded compliments.

A backhanded compliment is a remark that seems flattering on the surface but contains a hidden criticism or insult. For instance, “you’re really smart for your age” implies that you’re only smart compared to others your age, not in general.

These individuals often use such comments to appear kind while subtly undermining your confidence. It’s their way of bringing you down a notch without appearing overtly mean.

2) They’re often passive-aggressive

Ever experience a situation where someone’s words were sweet as honey, but their actions told a completely different story? That’s where my personal encounter with passive-aggressiveness comes into play.

I had a friend – let’s call her Lisa. Lisa and I were close, sharing laughs and secrets. On the surface, she seemed genuinely kind. But as time went on, I noticed some signs of her hidden meanness.

For instance, she would often agree with my plans, saying things like “Sure, your idea sounds great!” But then, she’d either show up late or cancel at the last minute with a flimsy excuse. Her actions contradicted her words, leaving me feeling confused and frustrated.

This is a classic sign of passive-aggressive behavior: Saying one thing while their actions suggest the opposite. They avoid direct confrontation but express their hostility or negativity indirectly.

If you notice this behavior in someone, it might be a sign they’re not as kind as they appear to be. Trust your gut feelings; if something feels off, it probably is.

3) They’re excessively competitive

On the surface, healthy competition can be a driving force for self-improvement and innovation. However, when someone is kind on the outside but mean underneath, their competitive streak often goes beyond the norm.

In psychology, there’s a concept called “maladaptive competitiveness”. This is where a person’s desire to win becomes so intense that it disrupts their social relationships and personal well-being.

People who fall into this category can’t stand the thought of someone else being better or more successful than them. They may seem supportive of your achievements, but deep down, they’re brewing with jealousy and are plotting to outdo you.

If you notice a person consistently trying to one-up you or others around them, it could be a sign of their hidden meanness. It’s not about mutual growth for them; it’s about being on top, even at the expense of others.

4) They gossip frequently

We all engage in a bit of gossip now and then. It’s part of human nature. But when you come across someone who seems kind on the surface, yet they consistently engage in gossip, it could be a red flag.

Gossip, particularly the malicious kind, is a tool often used by people who are mean underneath their friendly facade. They’ll share secrets or negative information about others, all while maintaining an appearance of innocence or even concern.

This behavior has two main purposes: to subtly spread negativity about the person they’re talking about, and to create alliances by sharing “exclusive” information.

If you notice someone frequently indulging in gossip, be wary. Today’s gossip could be tomorrow’s target. They might seem nice when talking to you, but who knows what they’re saying when you’re not around?

5) They’re masters of manipulation

Manipulation is often subtle, which makes it a perfect tool for those who appear kind on the surface but are mean underneath. They might use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, or strategic victimhood to get what they want.

For example, they might twist a situation to make you feel guilty for something you shouldn’t. Or they may paint themselves as the victim when in reality, they’re the one causing trouble.

The tricky part is that manipulation isn’t always obvious. These individuals know how to play the game so well that you might start doubting your own perception of the situation.

Be aware of this behavior and trust your instincts. Don’t let their seemingly kind demeanor blind you to their manipulation tactics. Remember, truly kind people don’t use others for their own gain.

6) They lack empathy

At the heart of kindness lies empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. But for individuals who are kind on the surface and mean underneath, empathy is often missing from their emotional repertoire.

These people may appear sympathetic, offering comforting words, or seemingly understanding your problems. However, when it comes down to it, they often fail to show genuine care or understanding.

It’s a subtle inconsistency that’s hard to spot at first, but once you see it, it’s hard to ignore. You might find that they’re dismissive of your feelings or experiences, or that their supposed sympathy feels hollow or insincere.

That lack of genuine empathy can be heartbreaking, especially when you thought you were dealing with a kind-hearted person. But acknowledging it can also be liberating, freeing you from the expectation of receiving understanding where none exists.

7) They’re frequently sarcastic

I remember a time when I had to work closely with a colleague who seemed quite friendly and jovial. However, I noticed a pattern in his communication style – he often used sarcasm.

At first, I brushed it off as humor. But then I realized that his sarcastic remarks were often targeted at others, including me, and were subtly degrading.

Sarcasm can be a form of humor, yes, but it can also be a weapon for people who are mean underneath their friendly exterior. They use it to belittle others under the guise of joking around. It’s like a velvet glove over an iron fist – soft on the outside, hard on the inside.

If you feel hurt or offended by someone’s constant sarcasm, trust your feelings. It might be their way of showing hidden meanness while maintaining their “kind” image.

8) They’re always playing the victim

Playing the victim is a common behavior among those who appear kind on the surface, but are mean underneath. They have a knack for twisting any situation to make themselves appear as the injured party, even when they’re at fault.

By doing this, they not only divert attention from their own wrongdoings but also gain sympathy and validation from others. It’s a cunning way to manipulate others and maintain their image of being kind-hearted.

If you notice someone constantly portraying themselves as the victim, take a step back and examine the situation objectively. Chances are, they might not be as innocent or kind as they appear to be.

9) They’re inconsistent in their behavior

Inconsistency is the hallmark of those who are kind on the surface but mean underneath. One day, they’re your best friend, showering you with compliments and kindness. The next day, they might be cold, passive-aggressive, or even outright mean.

This constant switch can be confusing and emotionally draining. It’s their way of keeping you off-balance and under their control. Because when you can’t predict how someone will act, it’s harder to assert your boundaries or stand up to them.

Keep an eye out for inconsistency in behavior. It’s not just about being moody or having a bad day – it’s a telltale sign of hidden meanness under a kind facade. And remember: genuine kindness is consistent and unconditional.