Growing older naturally changes the dynamics of our relationships with our children.
The shift from being a rule enforcer to a listening ear can be challenging.
Sometimes, the behaviors that served us well when our kids were young can become barriers to a loving relationship as they mature.
If you’re hoping for a stronger bond with your children as both of you age, there are certain behaviors you need to leave behind.
In this article, I’m going to share eight behaviors you need to say goodbye to, in order to cultivate a more loving relationship with your kids as you get older.
1) Criticizing constantly
Growing older doesn’t mean our kids stop making mistakes.
The urge to correct them is natural – after all, we’re their parents.
But constant criticism can create a barrier between you and your child.
Remember, as they mature, they’re learning to navigate life independently.
If they feel that all they receive from you is criticism, it could push them away.
Instead, try to balance your criticism with praise.
This doesn’t mean you should ignore their mistakes – rather, it’s about acknowledging their efforts and achievements, too.
Letting go of constant criticism and adopting a more encouraging approach can help you build a more loving relationship with your kids as you both get older.
2) Ignoring their point of view
I remember a time when my oldest son was in his early twenties and we ended up in a heated debate over career choices.
I was insistent that he should pursue a path in law, considering his knack for debate and reasoning.
But he was passionate about photography and wanted to explore that avenue.
I found myself dismissing his perspective, convinced that my years of experience made me the wiser one.
What I failed to realize then was that ignoring his point of view wasn’t just about the career disagreement.
It was creating a distance between us, making him feel unheard and undervalued.
Once I recognized this, I made an effort to listen more and be more open to his perspectives.
The change didn’t happen overnight, but it gradually improved our relationship.
When we stop dismissing our children’s perspectives because we think we know better, we let them know that their thoughts and feelings matter.
This can significantly improve the quality of our relationship with them as we all get older.
3) Overstepping boundaries
As our children become adults, it’s important to remember that they are just that – adults.
They’re building their own lives, making their own decisions, and learning from their own mistakes.
Research indicates that over-involvement by parents in their adult children’s lives can hinder the development of autonomy and strain familial relationships.
It can be tough to resist the urge to step in, especially when we see them struggling or about to make a decision we don’t agree with.
But overstepping boundaries can lead to resentment and strain the relationship.
Respecting their space and autonomy doesn’t mean you can’t offer advice or support.
It just means giving them the room to be their own person.
Learning to respect these boundaries can lead to a more open and loving relationship with your kids as they, and you, get older.
4) Living in the past
As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in nostalgia.
We often find ourselves reminiscing about the days when our kids were little and needed us for everything.
But dwelling in the past can prevent us from fully embracing the present and connecting with our children as they are now.
This is where mindfulness comes into play.
Practicing mindfulness allows us to focus on the present moment, appreciating it for what it is without longing for what was or worrying about what will be.
In my book, “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment”, I explore the concept of mindfulness in detail and provide practical advice on how to incorporate it into your daily life.
One key aspect of mindfulness is acceptance – accepting our kids for who they are now, not who they were or who we want them to be.
This acceptance can pave the way for a more loving relationship with our kids as we get older.
Every stage of life has its own beauty and challenges.
Embrace the present, and you’ll find your relationship with your children evolving in a beautiful way too.
5) Avoiding difficult conversations
There was a time when my daughter was struggling with a personal issue.
I could see it was weighing her down, but I found myself avoiding the conversation.
It was a difficult subject, one that made me uncomfortable, and I foolishly hoped that it would resolve itself without my intervention.
Avoiding difficult conversations may seem like the easier route, but it often leads to unresolved issues and feelings of isolation.
Just because a topic is difficult doesn’t mean it should be avoided.
By facing these tough conversations head-on, we show our children that we’re there for them, no matter what.
6) Doing everything for them
As parents, we often think that doing everything for our children is a sign of love.
We cook their meals, clean their rooms, and even take care of their responsibilities to make their lives easier.
However, this behavior can have the opposite effect of what we intend.
Research indicates that overparenting, characterized by excessive involvement in a child’s life, can hinder the development of autonomy and competence, potentially leading to increased anxiety and decreased self-efficacy in children.
While it’s crucial to support our kids, doing everything for them can hinder their growth and independence.
It can also create a sense of entitlement and dependency, which can cause tension as they get older.
Instead of doing everything for them, teach them how to do things for themselves.
This will not only help them become more independent but also show them that you trust in their abilities.
7) Holding grudges
Nobody is perfect, and that includes our children.
They will make mistakes, they will upset us, and they will disappoint us at times.
Holding onto grudges over these incidents, however, can harm the relationship in the long run.
Holding grudges can create a wall of resentment between you and your child.
It can also prevent you from fully enjoying the good moments and the positive changes that they may make.
Instead, learn to forgive.
This doesn’t mean you should ignore their mistakes or not hold them accountable.
Instead, it’s about not letting past mistakes taint your current relationship.
8) Neglecting your own needs
As parents, we often put our children’s needs before our own.
While this is admirable, it’s also essential to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish—it’s necessary.
Research indicates that parental self-care significantly enhances parent-child relationships.
A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that higher parental self-efficacy, which can be bolstered through self-care practices, correlates with improved parenting behaviors and healthier parent-child interactions.
When we neglect our own needs, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and a decrease in overall happiness.
This can inadvertently affect our relationship with our kids.
By taking care of yourself—physically, emotionally, and mentally—you can be a better parent to your children.
This self-care will also model healthy habits for your children to emulate.
Remember: A happier, healthier you can contribute to a more loving relationship with your kids as you both get older.
It’s about growth
At the heart of our interactions with our children, there’s a fundamental truth: we’re all growing and evolving.
As our children mature, so do we.
Our roles shift, our relationships change.
What worked when they were toddlers may not work when they’re adults.
Letting go of certain behaviors, as we’ve discussed, can lead to a more loving relationship with our kids as we get older.
But remember, it’s not just about them—it’s about us, too.
Self-reflection and mindfulness play a crucial role in this journey.
By becoming more aware of our actions and how they affect others, we can make better choices.
In my book “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment”, I delve deeper into these concepts and how they can positively impact various aspects of our lives, including our relationships with our children.
As we bid goodbye to these behaviors, we’re not just improving our relationship with our kids—we’re growing as individuals.
We’re learning, evolving, and becoming better versions of ourselves.
And isn’t that what life’s journey is all about?
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