If you want a more loving relationship with family as you get older, say goodbye to these 9 behaviors

Have you ever found yourself wishing your family relationships felt a little warmer, a little more connected?

It’s easy to blame time, distance, or life’s chaos for growing apart, but often, it’s the subtle habits we hold onto that quietly chip away at those bonds.

I’ve been there—caught up in my own world, not realizing how certain behaviors were creating distance between me and the people I care about most.

The truth is, building a more loving relationship with family doesn’t always mean doing more—it often means letting go. Whether it’s how we communicate, the way we handle disagreements, or even how much we prioritize each other, some habits just don’t serve us as we grow older.

Let’s explore the nine key behaviors to leave behind so you can create deeper, more meaningful connections with your loved ones.

1) Playing the blame game

Nothing sours relationships faster than the blame game. You know, when something goes wrong and instead of finding a solution, everyone is more interested in pointing fingers.

As we age, it’s crucial to let go of this toxic behavior. Why? Because it creates resentment and pushes family members away.

Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes. What’s important is not who’s at fault, but how we fix the situation and move forward together.

So, instead of wasting energy on blaming others, focus on fostering understanding and forgiveness. This simple shift will make a world of difference in your family relationships as you get older.

2) Keeping score

In my experience, one of the most destructive behaviors in family relationships is keeping score. I’ve been there, keeping a mental tally of who did what, who helped more, who said sorry first.

One Christmas, for instance, I found myself upset because I felt like I was the only one putting in effort to make the holiday special.

As I saw it, I had done all the cooking and preparation while everyone else just showed up to enjoy the feast. The resentment was starting to build until I realized that keeping score was doing nothing but causing stress.

I decided then and there to stop this behavior. Sure, it wasn’t easy – old habits die hard. But once I stopped measuring everything in terms of ‘give and take’, our family gatherings became more enjoyable and less about settling scores.

So stop keeping score. Instead, appreciate each other’s efforts and contributions without expectation or tallying. This shift in perspective will give way to a more peaceful and loving family environment.

3) Holding onto grudges

Imagine this scenario: a small argument over something trivial that escalated into a full-blown fight. Words were said, feelings were hurt, and now, even years later, the memory of that incident still lingers.

Holding onto grudges can feel like carrying a heavy weight around your neck. It strains the relationship and prevents openness and trust from flourishing. The longer the grudge is held, the heavier it becomes.

Forgiveness is the key to letting go of this weight. It is not about forgetting or condoning the wrong that was done, but rather choosing to free yourself from the burden of bitterness and resentment.

It takes time and patience, and it’s okay to take small steps towards it. The journey might be challenging, but the peace it brings to your relationships is worth every effort.

4) Living in the past or future

This often means ruminating over past mistakes or constantly worrying about what’s next.

Being present and mindful is key to building stronger relationships. Mindfulness helps us to truly listen, understand, and connect with our loved ones.

In my book, The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment, I delve deeper into how mindfulness can transform not just our inner lives, but also our relationships with others.

By practicing mindfulness, we can learn to let go of past grudges and future worries, and truly be present in our interactions with family members. We can become more tolerant, more understanding, and more loving.

So if you’re ready to cultivate a more loving relationship with your family as you get older, consider embracing mindfulness. It might just be the key to unlocking a more fulfilling familial bond.

5) Avoiding conflict

This might seem counter-intuitive, but avoiding conflict can actually harm your family relationships. Sure, nobody likes arguments, but sweeping issues under the rug rarely solves anything.

Conflict, when handled correctly, can lead to better understanding, growth, and stronger relationships. It allows us to voice our concerns, clear misunderstandings, and work towards resolution.

Of course, this doesn’t mean picking fights over every small issue. It’s about having open, honest conversations when disagreements arise.

So don’t shy away from conflict. Instead, learn to navigate it in a healthy, constructive way. It may be uncomfortable initially, but it will lead to more genuine and loving relationships in the long run.

6) Prioritizing work over family

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of work and forget about what truly matters – our relationships with loved ones.

Always choosing work over family sends a clear message: “You’re not as important as my job.” And this can lead to feelings of resentment and distance.

As you get older, you’ll realize that no amount of professional success can replace the warmth and love of a family. So, make sure to strike a balance between your career and your family life.

It’s never about choosing one over the other. It’s about making time for both.

So be present at that family dinner, attend your kid’s school play, or simply spend a quiet evening at home with your spouse. These moments are priceless and will contribute immensely towards building a more loving relationship with your family.

7) Neglecting self-care

Here’s something I’ve learned along the way: You can’t pour from an empty cup. In other words, you can’t give love if you don’t have love for yourself.

When we don’t look after ourselves—physically, emotionally, and mentally—it becomes hard to be there for others. We might become irritable, impatient, or simply too drained to engage with our loved ones.

So, make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. Whether it’s going for a morning run, reading a book, or simply enjoying a cup of coffee in solitude—do what replenishes your soul.

8) Making assumptions

Assumptions can be the root of many misunderstandings within a family. When we assume, we often misinterpret actions and intentions, leading to unnecessary conflicts.

For instance, if a family member is quiet during a gathering, you might assume they’re upset or disinterested. But in reality, they might just be tired or preoccupied with their own thoughts.

Instead of making assumptions, try to communicate openly. Ask questions and express your concerns. This way, you allow for clarity and avoid misunderstandings.

9) Expecting perfection

If there’s one thing you should know, it’s this: expecting perfection is a surefire way to breed disappointment and resentment in your relationships.

No one is perfect, not even family. We all have our quirks, our flaws, our strengths, and our weaknesses. It’s these very imperfections that make us uniquely who we are.

Rather than expecting your family members to meet an impossible standard, try embracing them as they are – flaws and all. This acceptance creates room for love to grow and deepen, no matter how old you get.

A more loving relationship with your family isn’t about creating a picture-perfect family. It’s about loving each other ‘perfectly’ in our own imperfect ways.

To sum it up: It’s all about love and understanding

When it comes to family relationships, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Each family is unique, filled with its own dynamics, quirks, and charms.

What remains universal, however, is the profound impact of love and understanding on our relationships.

Letting go of toxic behaviors and embracing patience, forgiveness, and mindfulness can dramatically improve the quality of our familial bonds.

At the heart of this transformation is a deliberate choice to love more and understand better. It’s a journey that requires time, effort, and commitment.

But the reward—a more loving relationship with your family as you get older—is truly priceless.

For those interested in delving deeper into mindfulness—a key component of building stronger relationships—I invite you to read my book: The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment.

It offers practical insights on being present and fully engaged in life, ultimately enriching our relationships with our loved ones.