The difference between existing together and genuinely loving each other can be as subtle as it is profound.
As a psychologist and the founder of the Love Connection blog, I’ve spent years observing the dynamics of countless relationships. And let me tell you, not all couples who live together are in love. Sometimes, we’re just co-existing.
Love, genuine love, involves more than just sharing a space or daily routines. It’s about connection, emotional investment, and deliberate effort to nurture that bond.
In this article, I’ll be unpacking eight tell-tale signs that you and your partner might just be co-existing, rather than truly loving each other. Trust me, this insight could save you a lot of heartache down the line!
Let’s get started.
1) Lack of deep, meaningful conversations
In any relationship, communication is key.
But not just any type of conversation – I’m talking about deep, meaningful conversations. The ones where you bare your soul, share your dreams and fears, and feel genuinely understood by your partner.
If you find that your exchanges with your partner rarely go beyond the mundane day-to-day topics or surface-level chatter, this could be a red flag.
Love thrives on connection and understanding. Without these heart-to-heart talks, you’re merely co-existing. You’re sharing a space, but you’re not truly sharing your lives.
This is not to say that every conversation needs to be profound or intense. But if those deeper connections are consistently missing, it might be time to question the strength of your bond.
2) You don’t miss each other
Missing each other is a normal part of being in love.
When you’re away from your partner, you should feel a sense of longing, a tug at your heartstrings. This is perfectly natural.
But what if you’re apart and you don’t feel that pull? What if you find yourself feeling just as content, or even more at ease, when your partner isn’t around?
This might be another sign that your relationship is more about co-existing than genuine love. Love tends to make us miss our partner’s presence when they’re not around.
As the great Maya Angelou once said, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” If you’re not feeling that pull, that longing, it might be time to take a closer look at your relationship.
3) You’re more like roommates than romantic partners
Sharing a home with your partner should be more than just splitting the bills and doing chores.
When love is in the picture, there’s an intimacy, a spark that goes beyond just sharing a space. There are shared laughs, spontaneous hugs, lingering glances – those little things that keep the flame burning.
But if your interaction feels more like that of roommates – merely living together without that romantic connection – it’s another sign that you might just be co-existing.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I address this issue extensively. Codependency can often mask as love, when in reality it’s about dependence and routine, not genuine emotional connection.
Take the time to assess your relationship. Are you more like roommates than lovers? If so, it might be time for an honest conversation or some professional guidance.
4) You’re perfectly happy – all the time
Sounds odd, right?
But stick with me here. Relationships aren’t about being perfectly happy all the time. They’re about growing together, facing challenges, and supporting each other through the ups and downs.
In fact, a relationship devoid of disagreements or conflicts might indicate that you’re just co-existing. You’re avoiding the tough conversations and the emotional investment that comes with working through issues.
Genuine love isn’t about constant bliss; it’s about navigating the rough patches together. It’s about growing, learning, and coming out stronger on the other side.
If your relationship feels too perfect, too smooth, it might be worth digging a little deeper. Are you really in love, or are you simply avoiding conflict?
5) You don’t make plans for the future together
When you’re in love, you tend to envision a future with your partner.
You make plans, set goals together, and look forward to building a life side by side. But what if you’re not doing that?
If you and your partner don’t talk about the future or make plans together, it could be another sign that you’re just co-existing. It could mean that, subconsciously, you don’t see each other in your long-term visions.
I remember when I was in a similar situation years ago. My partner and I lived together, but we never really discussed our future. It was a wake-up call for me.
Take a moment to reflect on your relationship. Are you planning for the future together or are you just living in the present?
6) There’s no passion
Let’s get brutally honest here.
Passion is a vital element of any romantic relationship. It’s that spark, that undeniable chemistry that pulls you towards each other, even after years of being together.
If your relationship feels more like a plodding routine than a passionate romance, it’s possible that you’re just co-existing. You’re going through the motions of being in a relationship without that emotional and physical connection that sets love apart.
Love isn’t always about grand gestures or dramatic declarations. But there should be warmth, attraction, and a desire to connect on a deeper level.
If the passion has faded or was never there to begin with, it’s time for some honest reflection.
7) You feel lonely, even when you’re together
Loneliness in a relationship is a paradox, isn’t it?
But it’s more common than you might think. And it’s one of the most telling signs that you and your partner might be co-existing rather than genuinely loving each other.
If you find yourself feeling lonely even when your partner is right next to you, it’s a clear indication that something’s amiss. Love is about connection, about feeling seen and understood. If you’re lacking that, it can leave you feeling isolated, despite being in a relationship.
As the brilliant Robin Williams once said, “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
8) You’re not each other’s priority
This might sting a little, but it needs to be said.
If you or your partner consistently put other things – work, friends, hobbies – before each other, it could be a sign that you’re merely co-existing.
In a loving relationship, while it’s important to have individual interests and personal space, your partner should still be a priority. Their needs, their feelings, their well-being should matter to you and vice versa.
If that’s not the case, if you find that you or your partner often take a backseat to other aspects of life, it’s time for some honest reflection.
Conclusion
Recognizing these signs isn’t easy, but it’s crucial in understanding the dynamics of your relationship.
Remember, it’s perfectly fine to just co-exist with someone, but don’t mix it up with genuine love. Love is about connection, growth, and putting each other first.
If you’ve identified with more than a couple of these signs, it might be time for some introspection or a heart-to-heart conversation with your partner.
For more guidance on navigating such situations, consider checking out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It offers practical advice on how to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Remember, this is Tina Fey here, reminding you that you deserve a relationship that’s based on genuine love, not just co-existence.
Onwards to happier, healthier love!
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