10 phrases that sound polite but actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence

Navigating social interactions isn’t always easy, especially when it comes to deciphering hidden meanings behind polite phrases.

Words, while seemingly courteous, can sometimes reveal a lack of emotional intelligence. Yes, you heard it right – even when they’re well-intended.

Emotional intelligence involves understanding and managing not just your own emotions but also those of others. And sometimes, what we say can unintentionally signal that we’re lacking in this area.

Let’s dive into ten phrases that might sound polite on the surface but may actually indicate a dip in emotional intelligence.

1) “You look tired”

This is a phrase that many of us have used, thinking we’re showing empathy or concern.

But hold on a minute. Is it really polite, or does it just sound polite?

Telling someone they look tired can come across as more critical than caring. It might sound like you’re pointing out that they seem worn out or not at their best.

While your intentions might be good, it can make the other person feel self-conscious about their appearance, and that’s not what emotional intelligence is about.

Emotional intelligence involves being sensitive to how our words might make others feel. So next time, instead of saying “you look tired,” you might want to ask “how are you feeling?” or “is everything okay?”

That way, you’re opening up a dialogue that allows the other person to share if they choose to, rather than making an assumption based on appearances.

2) “I know exactly how you feel”

Now, don’t get me wrong. There are times when it’s comforting to hear someone say they understand what you’re going through.

But here’s a personal story that made me rethink using this phrase.

A few years back, a close friend was going through a tough breakup. Trying to be supportive, I said, “I know exactly how you feel.” I mean, I’d been through breakups too, right?

But here’s the thing. My friend looked at me and said, “No, you don’t.” And she was right.

Yes, I’d had breakups, but not with her partner, not in her circumstances, not as her. My experience was different.

That’s when I realized that even if our experiences seem similar, they’re rarely “exactly” the same. And assuming they are can minimize the other person’s feelings.

Instead of saying “I know exactly how you feel”, maybe it’s better to say something like “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you”.

This way, we acknowledge their unique experience and affirm our support. Isn’t that more emotionally intelligent?

3) “At least it’s not…”

This phrase is often used in an attempt to put a positive spin on a negative situation, or to make someone feel better by comparing their situation to something worse.

But did you know that this kind of comparison can actually have the opposite effect?

Upward social comparisons, where people compare themselves to those who are better off, can motivate individuals and boost their mood. But downward social comparisons, where people compare themselves to those worse off, can often lead to feelings of guilt and distress.

Saying “at least it’s not…” may be an attempt at being comforting, but it could unintentionally make someone feel guilty about their own distress.

A more emotionally intelligent approach might be to simply acknowledge the person’s feelings without any comparison, such as “I’m really sorry you’re going through this.” Now that’s empathy.

4) “Calm down”

Ever told someone to calm down and noticed that it often has the opposite effect?

When emotions are running high, telling someone to calm down can be like adding fuel to the fire. It might seem like a polite request, but it can actually come off as dismissive of their feelings.

Emotionally intelligent people know that emotions are a natural response and everyone has the right to feel them.

Instead of telling someone to calm down, perhaps try something like, “I see that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” This acknowledges their emotional state and provides an option for them to express what they’re feeling, without dictating how they should feel.

5) “No offense, but…”

“No offense, but…” is one of those phrases that often precedes a hurtful or offensive comment.

While it may sound polite because it includes a disclaimer, it can actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence. It suggests that the person knows their comment could be offensive, but they’re choosing to say it anyway.

Emotionally intelligent people are mindful of how their words can impact others. They strive to communicate their thoughts and feelings without causing unnecessary hurt or offense.

Instead of saying “no offense, but…”, consider sharing your thoughts in a more constructive way. For example, you could say, “I have a different perspective on this…” or “From my viewpoint…”. This way, you’re expressing your opinion without disregarding the other person’s feelings.

6) “You always…” or “You never…”

These phrases can sound polite, especially when cushioned in a conversation. But they can actually be quite damaging.

Using “always” or “never” makes a sweeping generalization about someone’s behavior. It can make the person on the receiving end feel cornered, as if their actions are being reduced to a single narrative.

I remember a time when a loved one said to me, “You never listen.” It felt like all the times I had listened, had paid attention, were being overlooked. And it hurt.

That’s when I realized how powerful words can be and how important it is to use them wisely.

Emotionally intelligent people strive to avoid these absolutes. Instead, they express their feelings without blaming or accusing. For instance, “I feel ignored when I’m speaking and you’re on your phone” is a more precise and less accusatory way to communicate the same sentiment. And it’s much more likely to lead to understanding rather than conflict.

7) “It’s not a big deal”

This phrase can seem supportive, like you’re trying to help someone see the bigger picture. But it can also dismiss someone’s feelings or experiences.

A while back, I was really upset about a project at work that hadn’t gone as planned. When I shared my frustrations with a friend, they said, “It’s not a big deal, things go wrong all the time.”

While they probably meant to comfort me, their words made me feel like my concerns were insignificant. It felt like my emotions were being brushed aside.

Emotional intelligence is about validating feelings, not downplaying them. So instead of saying “it’s not a big deal,” a more empathetic response could be, “I see that this really matters to you. Do you want to talk more about it?” This invites conversation and shows that you respect their feelings, even if you see the situation differently.

8) “I’m sorry you feel that way”

This one might raise a few eyebrows. After all, isn’t saying sorry a good thing?

Well, yes and no. While apologies are important, the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” can sometimes come across as insincere. It puts the focus on the other person’s feelings, rather than taking responsibility for our own actions.

It might sound like you’re acknowledging their feelings, but it can also seem like you’re deflecting blame or avoiding accountability.

Emotionally intelligent people understand the importance of genuine apologies. So instead of saying “I’m sorry you feel that way,” it might be more effective to say, “I’m sorry for my part in this,” or “I’m sorry if I upset you.” This shows that you’re taking responsibility for your actions and are genuinely concerned about how they’ve affected the other person.

9) “I’m just being honest”

Honesty is generally a good thing, but it can become problematic when it’s used as an excuse to say something hurtful or offensive.

The phrase “I’m just being honest” might sound polite because it suggests transparency, but it can actually be a sign of low emotional intelligence. It implies that the speaker prioritizes their own need to express themselves over the feelings of the person they’re speaking to.

Emotionally intelligent people understand that honesty needs to be balanced with tact and empathy. They express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is truthful but also considerate of others’ feelings.

So instead of saying “I’m just being honest,” try expressing your opinion in a more empathetic way, such as “I hope you don’t mind me sharing my perspective…” or “From my point of view…”. This shows that you value honesty but also care about how your words might affect others.

10) “It could be worse”

While this phrase might seem comforting in theory, it can often come across as dismissive or insensitive.

Telling someone “it could be worse” in an attempt to provide perspective can actually minimize their feelings and experiences. It’s like saying their problems aren’t significant enough to warrant the emotions they’re feeling.

The most crucial thing to remember is that everyone’s feelings and experiences are valid, no matter how they compare to others’. Emotional intelligence is about recognizing and respecting this, rather than comparing or ranking hardships.

So next time, instead of saying “it could be worse,” try a more empathetic response like “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you.” This shows that you acknowledge their feelings and are there to support them, which is the essence of emotional intelligence.