10 phrases that sound polite but actually reveal a lack of emotional intelligence

It’s a fine line between being courteous and exposing a lack of emotional intelligence.

Being polite is easy, right? Simply utter a few nice words and you’re good. But sometimes, those ‘polite’ words might not reflect emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is about understanding and managing your feelings, as well as empathizing with others. When we lack this, our well-intentioned phrases can actually be pretty off-putting.

Let’s dive in.

1) “Calm down”

We’ve all heard it, and we’ve all said it. But think about it – has anyone ever calmed down after being told to “calm down”?

In moments of high emotions, this phrase can come off as dismissive and insensitive. It suggests you’re not acknowledging the person’s feelings or the reason behind their distress.

Instead of trying to immediately quell their emotions, show understanding. A phrase like, “I see this is really upsetting you,” can go a long way in validating their feelings. This is a hallmark of emotional intelligence.

It’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. So choose your words wisely.

2) “No offense, but…”

Let me share a personal experience with this one.

I remember once, a friend of mine started her sentence with “No offense, but…”, and I instantly braced myself for the critique that was about to come. And boy, did it sting! Even though she tried to cushion it with a polite phrase, it didn’t lessen the blow.

“No offense, but…” is often seen as a prelude to an offensive statement, and it does nothing to mask the negativity. In fact, it only highlights that what’s about to be said may hurt the other person.

Instead of using this phrase, if I have feedback or a critique to share, I try my best to make it constructive and focus on the issue at hand rather than making it personal. It’s all about being mindful of how our words impact others.

3) “I’m sorry you feel that way”

“I’m sorry you feel that way” might seem like an expression of sympathy, but it can often communicate the opposite. This phrase puts the blame on the person’s feelings, rather than addressing the problem that caused those feelings.

Interestingly, a study by Harvard Business School found that such non-apologies can have a negative impact on social relationships, especially when compared to a genuine apology.

Instead of using this phrase, try acknowledging the person’s feelings and offering a sincere apology for your part in causing them. This shows empathy and understanding, two key elements of emotional intelligence.

4) “I’m just being honest”

Honesty is important, yes. But so is tact.

When someone prefaces their statement with “I’m just being honest,” it can often signal that they’re about to say something hurtful under the guise of honesty. It’s like giving themselves permission to be blunt, even if it’s at the cost of someone else’s feelings.

Instead of using this phrase, consider how you can deliver your message in a respectful and considerate way. True emotional intelligence lies in balancing honesty with empathy, ensuring your words are both truthful and kind.

5) “At least…”

The phrase “at least…” is often used in an attempt to find the silver lining in a difficult situation. But what it actually does is minimize the other person’s feelings or experiences.

Imagine you’ve had a bad day at work and you share this with a friend, only for them to respond with, “At least you have a job.” While they might be trying to help you see the positive side, this phrase can make you feel like your struggles are being dismissed.

Try acknowledging the other person’s feelings and validating their experience. Saying something like, “That sounds really tough. I’m here for you,” can make a world of difference.

6) “You always…” or “You never…”

The phrases “You always…” or “You never…” can be particularly hurtful. They’re definite, absolute, and leave no room for exceptions or change.

Telling someone they always do something wrong or they never do something right can box them into a negative identity. It’s disheartening and dismissive of their efforts to improve or change.

It’s much more compassionate – and accurate – to focus on specific instances, rather than generalizing their behavior. For instance, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you might say, “I felt unheard when we were talking about our weekend plans.” This way, you’re expressing your feelings without attacking the other person’s character.

7) “You’re too sensitive”

I’ve been on the receiving end of this phrase a few times, and it always stings. It’s like being told that your feelings are invalid, or that you’re wrong for having them.

The phrase “You’re too sensitive” dismisses the other person’s emotions and experiences. It implies that they’re overreacting, rather than acknowledging that they might have a valid reason to feel the way they do.

Instead of labeling someone as “too sensitive,” it’s better to listen and try to understand their perspective. It may be different from yours, but that doesn’t make it any less valid.

8) “I don’t want to argue”

On the surface, “I don’t want to argue” seems like a peaceful statement, aimed at avoiding conflict. But, in reality, it often shuts down an important conversation.

Avoiding arguments doesn’t necessarily mean you’re maintaining peace. In fact, it can cause resentment to build up over time, as issues go unresolved. It might seem like an easy escape route, but it can actually harm the relationship in the long run.

Try to address the issue at hand in a calm and respectful manner. Remember, disagreement is not necessarily a bad thing – it’s how we handle it that matters.

9) “It’s not a big deal”

When someone is upset, the phrase “it’s not a big deal” can feel dismissive and invalidating. It’s as if their feelings don’t matter, or they’re overreacting to something that doesn’t warrant such a reaction.

The truth is, what might seem insignificant to you could be a big deal to someone else. Emotional intelligence involves recognizing and respecting these differences.

Rather than minimizing their feelings, try acknowledging them. A simple “I can see this really matters to you” can go a long way in making the other person feel seen and heard.

10) “Just kidding”

The phrase “just kidding” can often be a cover-up for a hurtful comment. It’s a way of saying something potentially offensive, then trying to take the sting out of it by passing it off as a joke.

But here’s the crucial bit: humor should never be at the expense of someone else’s feelings. If someone is hurt by your words, saying you were “just kidding” doesn’t erase the impact of what was said.

Being aware of how your words affect others and taking responsibility for them is a key aspect of emotional intelligence. Instead of using humor as a shield, strive to communicate in a way that respects and validates others’ feelings.

In conclusion: Emotional intelligence is key

The heart of the matter lies in understanding and respecting emotions – our own and others.

Emotional intelligence, a term coined by psychologists John Mayer and Peter Salovey, refers to the ability to identify, understand, and manage emotions.

These ‘polite’ phrases we’ve explored might seem harmless at first glance, but they can inadvertently dismiss or invalidate someone’s feelings. That’s why emotional intelligence is so crucial. It allows us to communicate in a way that acknowledges and respects the emotional landscape of others.

Remember, our words have power. They can heal or hurt, unite or divide, uplift or bring down. So let’s choose them wisely. After all, as the renowned author Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said…but people will never forget how you made them feel.”